Since we last talked politics, our national political dramas have turned into an episode of the new 90210 you guys, complete with ludicrous storylines and piss-poor acting. But sadly no Brenda Walsh.
Firstly, our economy has all but collapsed. Most people don’t even understand what happened, and what’s most disturbing is that the contingent that clearly has no idea what’s going on INCLUDES A LOT OF POLITICIANS.
You can guess which ones in particular don’t seem to get it.
Anyway, so the economy collapsed, but John McCain kept telling us that everything was fine right up until the last possible moment when even Pres. Bush was like “Oh noes! The economy ain’t right y’all!”
Anyway, so then John McCain—cuz he’s such a “maverick” and is all about “Country First” and stuff—decided that, gosh, it’s just plum innappropes to continue a campaign to run for the leader of the free world in the face of an economic crisis! So he’s decided to suspend his campaign in order to fix our money problems.
Do you think if he had won in 2000, when 9/11 happened, he would have been all like “Woah! Hold up wait a minute y’alls! I need a quick fiver. I’ll get back to you.”
“But Mr. President, people are jumping to their deaths from 90th-floor windows and the FBI or ATF or whatevs just defused like 45 car bombs at LAX and the Pentagon’s on fire and a plane just crashed in a field in Pennsylvania and we’re pretty sure it was headed for the White House and a bunch of envelopes full of anthrax just showed up in Tom Brokaw’s office and whatnot.”
“I know, but just, you know, just give me a second. I just need a minute to breathe, you know? It’s a lot.”
So anyway, McCain took time away from campaigning to fix the economy, because a man who told the New York Times, “the issue of economics is not something I’ve understood as well as I should” is gonna have LOTS of insight into how to set it straight.
I wonder if McCain could even SPELL the phrase “collateralized debt options,” let alone explain it.
Anyway, so McCain also decided that taking part in today’s debate is also deeply inappropriate at this time of crisis, so he bailed on Obama, fully expecting him to follow suit. Instead, Obamms was basically like, “Fuck that noise. Now it’ll just be a Town Hall where I take over the CNN airwaves for two hours and run my mouth answering questions and talking myself up while you spend your time ostensibly ‘fixing’ what you ‘don’t understand as well as you should.’ Laterzzzzz.” Because he’s not a mentally retarded jackass.
Not that the conservatives won’t paint that as being self-serving and elitist or sexist or Muslim or terrorist or overly black or racist or something.
But, don’t worry, because, nevermind! JK! McCain’s reconsidered and he’ll debate Obama after all, tonight at 9. EVEN THOUGH THE SOLUTION TO THE ECONOMIC CRISIS IS NOW AT A STANDSTILL, which I’ll get to in a moment.
Anyway. McCain DID follow through with pulling out of a couple of commitments. Because he was SOOOOOOOOOO busy fixing what HE ADMITTEDLY DOESN’T EVEN UNDERSTAND, he also couldn’t appear on Late Night with David Letterman.
Now, y’all know Dave’s a good-natured Indiana guy who just likes to have a good time. So you KNOW that when DAVID FUCKING LETTERMAN rakes someone over the coals, they’re reeeeeeeeeeally being an asshole. Here’s Dave’s two cents on McCain Wednesday night—the best part starting around the 1:05 mark:
In fact, Letterman is SO irritated with McCain, he felt the need to re-rake him over the coals last night:
Meanwhile, McCain and Sarah Palin went to the UN summit with all the world leaders, but no press or reporters were allowed to ask questions or film Sarah Palin. Which is technically not even legal—that whole freedom of the press thing—but more importantly is STUPID. As if the reporters AREN’T GOING TO REPORT that you wouldn’t let them talk to the woman running for vice president? Seriously?
Luckily, though, Sarah Palin actually had the poor judgment to go on TV again—this time with Katie Couric—and submit herself to another interview. Because apparently the Charlie Gibson one didn’t make her look like enough of a fool. She needed another shot.
One imagines that Katie was granted an interview for the same reason Charlie Gibson was—she’s usually a perky, sweet, softball interviewer. Not this time. Woo!
Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Congress met up yesterday to devise a plan for how to deal with the economic fallout.
Now listen to me very carefully, because certain media voices—particularly those on the right—are already triangulating and obscuring the truth here. The truth is the following:
Those meeting at the White House—both Republicans and Democrats—had come up with a plan that was all set to go, and had actually reached a near consensus, because, as you might imagine, everyone’s just trying to get this sewn up so that we can just get it the fuck over with before the economy explodes and we’re all standing in bread lines.
John McCain suddenly decided that he has an opinion about the whole issue he “doesn’t understand as well as he should,” and threw a monkey wrench into the proceedings.
For you, you realize. He’s doing this FOR YOU, cuz he loves you—YES YOU—soooooo much that he’s willing to derail the solution to the biggest dilemma to face our nation since 9/11 and the biggest economic collapse since the Great Depression that nearly everyone but him was already okay with. Including the President, who was basically all, “Hey Grandpa. Shut up, we don’t have time to fuck around. This bitch is fixin’ to blow!” And for once, Bush is in the right.
Because what’s REALLY going on here, see, is that McCain wants to be the hero. If he pulls this off he’s an American hero all over again.
Such a patriot. Such a maverick.
Well now here it is, Friday. Washington Mutual has officially been taken over by Chase, in the biggest bank failure in history—IN HISTORY. Like, EVER.
The markets are about to close for the week, and Wall Street is expecting a bloodbath that will continue on Monday.
And we STILL don’t have a solution. Why?
Because now the House Republicans—those blaming the stalled bailout on the Democrats—are hemming and hawing because they think this bailout will turn America into a Socialist country.
Which, frankly, it sort of will to a degree. After all, what is Socialism if not government ownership of a country’s economy?
But that’s not the point. WE HAVE NO RECOURSE. It’s either take the bailout, or let our economy collapse. Surely they know this, right?
Yep, they do. They’re only stalling in an effort to save the Republican Party from a PR nightmare, wherein the pro-America, pro–free-market Party actually signs off on Socialism. Here’s an article that details the whole thing, complete with lovely little chestnuts from top Republicans who say they’d rather plunge us into Great Depression 2.0 than make political sacrifice. Charming, isn’t it? Isn’t their patriotism inspiring?
So yeah, that’s pretty much it.
So I was thinking. Does anyone else find it sort of funny, sort of cock-your-head-inquisitively-and-purse-your-lips-and-say-“hmm,” that the Party constantly accusing the Democrats of being Socialists and that has pursued eight years of aggressive economic policy to prevent us becoming Socialists have in so doing left us in a pickle where our choices are depression or Socialism?
Anyone find that kind of “huh…”?
And does anyone find that this smacks a bit of the part of Eddie Izzard’s “Cake or death?” routine where the Church of England tells everyone it’s run out of cake and now the only choice is “or death”?
Huh. Who knew the Party of patriots would end up preferring “or death”? Gosh, and you think you know a bunch of greedy, fascist, moralizing windbags.