And the nominees are:
- Maaaaaaatt Daaaaaamon in This Movie Was Criminally Boring So Let's Look at This Photo of Matt Damon as That Tortured Gay Closeted Quarterback You Were In Love With in High School
- Some Crazy Dude About to Eat Your Face in Literally NONE Persons Saw This Movie Even Though It's Reputed to be V Good
- Summertime Santa Claus in Ibid
- TOOOOOOCH! in Bishplz
- Christoph Waltz in Sie möchten ein Teil dieser, Schweine-Hund? Bringen. Zuerst habe ich den Kopf werden in mit diesem Telefon zu zerchlagen, dann werde ich breche diese Flasche und schneiden Sie ein Narr, und dann gehe ich meine Oscar sammeln which is German for You Want Some of This, Bitch? Bring It. First I'll Smash Your Head In With This Telephone, Then I'll Break Off This Bottle and Cut a Fool, and Then I'll Go Collect My Oscar
And the Oscar should go to...
Much like Penelope Cruz's nomination for Nine, Damon's is Invictus's courtesy nomination. Matt Damon was simply there in this dead boring movie. He did absolutely nothing extraordinary or particularly interesting other than nail the exceptionally bizarre South African accent and look real real fine in the manner of one of those models from those porny nekkid rugby player websites. WHICH I ACTUALLY DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT I'VE ONLY JUST HEARD.
He should have been nominated for The Informant!--in which he gave one of the best comedic performances in years and without a doubt his best performance since at least The Talented Mr. Ripley, and maybe even EVER--but not this.
From what I've heard, Woody Harrelson is absolutely terrific in The Messenger. I wouldn't know; sadly, like everyone else, I haven't seen it. Shame on me, I know. But also fuck you, because you had never even heard of this movie until literally this moment. Who are you to judge me?
Ditto all of the above for Captain Georg Von Trapp in The Last Station.
Okay, and also for TOOOOOCH! in The Lovely Bones, which I didn't see because I heard it was awful and took way too many liberties with the terrific book that was its source material.
What I'm getting at is, I am utterly unqualified and have no business commenting on this category. But, in the words of Eric Cartman, it's my hot body and I'll do what I want.
Here's what I do know. This guy?
Well, he was just frankly fucking transcendent in Inglourious Basterds. In lesser hands, the film's nefarious killer could have been rendered an irritating caricature or a heavy-handed uber-villain, but Christoph Waltz manages to somehow toe all the lines, making us laugh, shiver and, against all odds--and moral codes--kind of cheer for him. Has anybody ever before wrung so much out of the act of blinking his eyes or curling his mouth into a smile? Has evil ever been so delightful? The answer is no, and if you try to disagree, I will punch you in the throat.
Did I tell you this year's Oscars were already sewn up, or did I tell you? You have a better likelihood of becoming a marauding pirate who rides a winged pony sidesaddle and blows things up with his mind than anyone else in this category has of winning the Oscar.