Here we go foolz! Gay Super Bowl Sunday has arrived! Check back starting around 6:00 PM EST for entirely too much deconstruction of this most holy events on this most holy of days.
Okay, packing it in, blog-wise. The pixies that control this stuff are being insolent. The Twitter is behaving though, so go over there! Or, just check back tomorrow for the deconstruction! It's been real. G'night!
Technical difficulties, kids, mainly due to Typepad being absolute fucking garbage. Posts may be sparse from here on out...or maybe non-existent. Live-blogging!
Neil Patrick Harris and showgirls with tailfeathers is really all I desire in life.8:30 PM
Ack! It's starting! Gahhhhh!
Oh my God. This just happened: Kathy Ireland: "Gabourey, we hear you like to text your friends. What else can you tell us about you?" Gabourey: "*Blatant laugh at how awful Ireland is at this*"
Tina Fey! With the one shoulder and the big hair and the slit up to there! Tina Fey! Ahhhhh!
I don't care if Karl Lagerfeld made it, SJPs dress is a Chanel duvet cover embellished with silver flower trim. Incorrect.
Quiz: What is Kathy Ireland on. Is it:
A--Half a bottle of Xanax washed down with wine coolers
2--Horse tranquilizers washed down with NyQuil
iii--Quaaludes washed down with bourbon washed down with absinthe
Answers on a postcard in the shape of a landmark in your present city of residence.
Sweet Jesus! Helen Mirren! Diane Kruger needs to have a conference with Sandra Bullock, Kate Winslet and Helen where she's all, "I was thinking of going saloon with cinches that break my body into three sausagey sections" and the other three are like "GIRL. NO. LIKE THIS."
My friend Jessica just texted me, "Kathy Ireland is the worst thing to happen. To anything. Ever." Jessica is correct.
Okay seriously, I CAN'T with how amazing Sandra Bullock looks. I keep hashtagging
Okay, so ABC's red carpet coverage is being cohosted by Kathy Ireland, who is posing like an animatronic Barbie. Further, we're currently hearing from the five Best Supporting Actresses, and Cruz is talking about how she used to not speak English, or something, Farmiga just sniped at Kendrick in a way that was probably joking? And then Mo'Nique started talking eloquently about how amazing she feels to be there tonight. It was like four amateurs opening for the headliner.
STOP ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING. The Winslet has arrived. CNN is making me stab myself in the eyes with pencils made of rage by cutting to Gerard Butler, about whom neither I nor anyone else cares.
Gah! Back to the Winslet. It's silver! And silk! Or satin! And unbelivably flattering! And her hair is soft and flowy and exactly like Veronica Lake!
Seriously. We're done here. Good night. It's over. The hell with the ceremony.
This just happened on E! Gabourey Sidibe: "If fashion were porn, this dress is the money shot." I AM ORDERING CABLE AS SOON AS THIS SHOW IS OVER. Then, I will begin officially stalking Gabourey Sidibe.
A few things.
A--Someone forgave Jennifer Lopez enough for "Louboutins" that they allowed her to attend the Oscars
2--Kristen Stewart bothered to show up, despite being deeply depressed about her success ALL THE TIME
iii--I DIDN'T GET TO SEE HELEN MIRREN! SOMEONE SHOW ME HELEN MIRREN!
Clooney is sporting the haircut my father had as an executive in circa-1985 Chicago, all stomping down Wacker Drive in wingtips and boating to Saugatuck on the weekends and whatnot. This isn't a compliment, but the point is that he still looks like THE MOST PERFECT MAN NATURE HAS EVER CREATED.
Meryl has shown up in a white dress, and I can't get a good look, but I am concerned might be a bit boxy and actually an 80s pantsuit Linda Evans would have worn on Dynasty.
Gabby Sidibe, looking banging, as ever! WE ARE SECRETLY BEST FRIENDS.
From the Fug Girls's Twitter: "It is SJP's misfortune to have Helen Mirren materialize behind her on the red carpet, looking as fabulous as always." Truth.
Matt Damon is on CNN right now. True story: I've had three sex dreams in my entire life. And while I've never been into him, one was with Matt Damon, and I can report that he is very, very accomplished. That is all.
Charlize Theron looks RIDICULOUS. She has two satin cinnamon rolls on her tits. For serious, WHAT IS GOING ON YOU GUYS.
Reeeeeally can't decide how I feel about SJP, Miley Cyrus's mom looks like a heroin-addicted porn star, and Antonio Banderas looks like an Al Qaida insurgent. WHAT IS GOING ON.
Okay, Mo'Nique is discussing her shaving habits and we've just been given a close-up of her hairy legs. I'm all for women being themselves and the hell with the sexist demands placed on them and blah blah Gloria Stienem blah, BUT I CAN'T.
Miley Cyrus has arrived, looking like Madonna's MTV Like a Virgin outfit sewn onto a lacy gypsy's skirt. The overall effect is of a woman who gives blowjobs, then tells fortunes.
MOLLY RINGWALD!!!!!!!!! Looking a bit like Beverly Hills Cleopatra, but still! MOLLY RINGWALD!!!!
And in a shocking turn of events, Penelope Cruz is wearing the exact same thing as she always wears, but in a different color. Yawn, sigh, eyeroll, fart, etc.
Sweet merciful Jesus Sandra Bullock looks amazing! All embroidery and silvery and Old Hollywood Glamoury. THIS IS HOW IT'S DONE, KRUGER.
The moment of truth: Carey Mulligan has arrived...and...it's...hmm. There are tiny scissors attached. Tiny scissors, ladies and gentlemen. Tiny scissors.
Gah! And behind her, ladies and gentlemen, Diane Kruger, wearing some kind of ruffled saloon-inspired nonsense that manages to make her look lumpen and besaddlebagged. Oy.
So Cameron showed up wearing a Na'vi blue pocketsquare to match his bony wife's Na'vi blue dress and I want to vomit until I turn Na'vi blue in the face.
Mo'Nique is telling CNN that she's wearing a gardenia in her hair in honor of Hattie McDaniel, who also wore one in her hair to the Oscars. This is the sort of awesome Oscars history I can't get enough of.
ABC just gave a better view of Farmiga's magenta coffee filters, and I think I'm softening. I think it might secretly be awesome.
In other news Mo'Nique looks like Billie Holliday. That's a good thing.
I have to give Gyllenhaal her due though: she pulled it off. SHE PULLED A TIE-DYED BEACH COVER-UP OFF ON THE OSCARS RED CARPET. That is something special.
Oh my God, SIGOURNEY looks a DREAM in an AMAAAAAAAAAZING deep red something. Woo! Girl!
WHY IS MAGGIE GYLLENHAAL WEARING A TIE-DYED BEACH COVER-UP.
ABC just showed a full-lenght lingering view of Zoe Saldana and her dress is BATSHIT. It's diamonds on top, a bodice, then 47 layers of Redi-Wip in varying shades of purple. Her head's perfect, but I can't.
So far, these Oscars have been just ODD. It's like everyone's trying to be avant garde, including Joel Madden, who showed up showered and dapper. WTF IS HAPPENING IN LA RIGHT NOW.
Also? James Cameron's wife needs a 4-lb steak IMMEDIATELY.
DEAR JESUS RYAN REYNOLDS
So far, we've had Zoe Saldana in purple ombre bath puffs, and Vera Farmiga in magenta coffee filters. This year's Oscars theme: household products!
Amanda Seyfried's dress is...a LOT. I don't know if it's A LOT in a good way, or a bad way. Her head is perfection, but the dress looks a bit like it might be bejweled wallpaper on top of plywood. CNN's not giving terrific views of ANYTHING so it's tough to tell, but...That said...it's at least interesting.
It is POURING in LA right now, which is TERRIFYING. If it rains on the Oscars, it means Jesus is coming back! Look busy!
Mariah! The boobs are served UP, but tastefully, in a way that makes me want to motorboat her and not run away. Her dress is a lovely dark blue that is very flattering. More importantly, let us do take a moment to appreciate the ONLY TIME Nick Cannon will ever be allowed into the Oscars.
CNN has shown Anna Kendrick, looking lovely in a light peach that sort of maybe washes her out? But is also really girly and feminine and lovely? And Mo'Nique in a royal blue situation that is GORGEOUS and kind of Old Hollywood, which is good. Very impressed with her fash over the course of this awards season. Don't fuck with Mo'Nique
Hello readers! So here we are...we're having sliiiiiiight technical difficulties here at HQ. There's no E!, there's no TV Guide Network...but there ARE live internet feeds...which is...interesting. We'll see how this goes
So far, I'm tuning into ABC's online feed, which is hosted by a 4-foot-tall queen named Brett Chukerman and some Puerto Rican Amazon named Lisa Guerrero. Brett who? Lisa what now? Precisely. They're kind of awks.
But! They're assisted by Manny from Modern Family! Wee!
Absolutely no one has arrived yet, except for Paula Patton and What'shisface Thicke, so...holding pattern.
Also, apparently New Yorkers know nothing about the Oscars, and that PISSES GAYS OFF:
h/t Downtown David Brown
Fine, I guess the live-blog technically begins now
While we're waiting...
A Trailer for Every Academy Award Winning Movie Ever -- powered by Cracked.com
h/t Miss Kate