You all need to understand that I am three things: glamorous, powerful and important. And so, during my time is Los Angeleeez, I had the mixed fortune of
being shown super-secret industry copies of five! Count ‘em five! new shows this
fall season. Two of them were great, one of them has potential, one of them
will send you into guffawing hysterics f you’re an uptight Republican offended by any of
the less family-friendly aspects of a television comedy that make it actually
entertaining for anyone other than easily offended Republicans, and, finally,
one of them was a giant piece of steaming shit.
A horrifying trend in India: skin creams to make your skin
closer to white.
I know, shocking and icky and unsettling and just UGH. I saw
this on CNN and it’s kinda disturbing:
I know, right? Eew. India’s obsession with skin tone is
nothing new, but still. Whitening creams? It’s unsavory. And, beside the political
issues, it doesn’t even look good! It’s self-degrading AND makes you look
sickly. WTF, India?
But! As always, the Baby Jesus gives us a silver lining. For
Firstly, this commercial is amazing. I mean, it just is, and
I could easily end this here without elaborating and it would just stand on its
own, much the way this could. But there are a few points that warrant
A—My new greeting for any and everyone I see is going to be,
“Ahnd you-are-going to-be myBESTfrienddatday”.
2—The goings-on at the :52 mark are what I dream of every
night. Someday, a suitor will approach me out of nowhere--after singing at a party wherein he sits upon a beflowered dais--and propose to me just like this girl does: by nodding
at me like a psychotic junkie, religious zealot, overeager prostitute or
similar, slipping a ring on my finger, and then gesturing with his hand like
some kind of 1950s society lady taking canapés off a silver tray at a garden
iii—But most importantly: FAIR MENZ. It’s called FAIR MENZ. Of
course, here in America, we would pronounce it Fair Meeeeeeenz, but the Indians
have a more clipped speech pattern generally. The point is, I do not need this
product, and yet, I WANT IT SO BADLY I CAN HARDLY STAND IT OH MY GOD THERE HAS
TO BE A WAY FOR ME TO PURCHASE THIS OUTSIDE OF INDIA BECAUSE IT IS CALLED FAIR MENZ. Product names like this
are why India is the industry leader in successful product launches (no it’s
Seriously. FAIR MENZ!! FAIR MENZ!! FAIR MENZ!! BWAHH HA HA
HA HA HA HAAAHHHHH! WOO! FAIR MENZ! BWAH! AHHHHHH!
(As always, I Google imaged "Finally, a triumphant return" and, for some reason, this happened.)
Oh, hello! How have you been? It’s been absolutely forever,
I know. Girl, I been all up over this piece!
First, I very glamorously left town for a month to do a
play, then I even more glamorously went to Los Angeles for the rest of the
summer after a torturous visit to my family in Arizona. Then, after a short
jaunt through San Francisco I came back here to New York just three weeks ago,
and life has taken on a decidedly Spartan and austere new direction of
unemployment and squalor. It’s ghetto as all hell and you’ll absolutely love
it. I’ll tell you all about my glamorous bicoastal summer and new white trash
life a little later.
Otherwise, It’s great to be back, and I’ve missed you
terribly. Your emails and Facebook comments demanding that I get back to
blogging have made me feel loved and special in a hidden place deep inside. My
life is exceptionally chaotic at the moment, and it’ll probably be a while
before I can get back to posting regularly again, but I’m going to do my level
best to give you as frequent a dose of insight and idiocy as I can manage.