The Gospel According to John

At the Movies With the Mentally Unstable

 Filmed entertainment pieces I cry at, always, without fail:

• The Hours. Goddamn you, Ed Harris.
• About a Boy. Goddamn you, mother issues.
• Six Feet Under finale. Goddamn you, Fisher family. 

I have no problem admitting that this is both a partial list--a very, very partial list--and that I cried so hard at Marley & Me that I couldn't breathe. Goddamn you, Jennifer Anistassakis, kissing that damn dog goodbye in the TRUNK OF A CAR. I mean...

Point is, crying at movies (or TV) is okay. I'm not judging. That said, this woman, over the jump? Well...just...oh my holy God, woman, it's fucking Star Wars. 

Things You Need: Emails From Crazy People

 
I mean, I don't really know what else to tell you. It's a website compiling emails from crazy people. There is nothing here NOT to want and love. The ever-savvy Miss Kate has bestowed this treasure upon us, and we will all never be the same.

There are ones such as this, where the submitter begins,

"I’m not even sure where to start in explaining how crazy this guy is…a) His name isn’t Larry..."

which sounds like a perfectly good place to start to me.

Or, there are ones such as this, wherein a newspaper editor is warned,

"Look, its time to realize that woman aren’t people. They just repeat yesterday all over again each day. If you listen to their conversations, you will note the absence of verbs. They can’t do life. They can’t do Earth. You shouldn’t have all your staff positions occupied by non-humans. It shows in your Alumnus magazine. Fake nonsense is not a good idea."

So true!

But none of them--not one--compare to the unfettered batshittery--and, it must be said, sexiness, of the following:

Finally, Someone Understands Me

Do you ever feel like nobody understands you because everyone's just effing stupid and you're the only person walking the earth who ISN'T dumb as a box of hair and for whom "head up ass" is NOT an acceptable default setting?

And when others drone on about how they think you're crazy, and that if you're "the only one who's right you're probably wrong," do you find yourself wanting to murder them because, in fact, the OPPOSITE is true, since it has been proven in over a dozen scientific studies published in peer-reviewed journals that you are always right?

And does it usually seem like these people own iPhones? And adore them?

Well FINALLY, someone understands.

Penis-Tucking Madmen in G-Major

What do you get when you combine the penis-tucking ladysuit-making madman Buffalo Bill from The Silence of the Lambs with music and Legos?

Aside from the most terrifying/amazing/terrifying/amazing/terrifying.../amazing...I think...or maybe one more /terrifying...thing to ever happen ever in the history of everything ever, you also get this: