The Gospel According to John

The Individual Formerly Known as Rupert Everett: A Very Important Update!

The plot thickens.

As you may remember, last week we discussed The Individual Formerly Known as Rupert Everett, or TIFKARE (totally unwieldy moniker, that, but we'll get to it in a minute), and his recent decision to remove the face of Chuck Woolery and have it implanted atop his own skull. 

Exhibit A:

As you likely remember, we discussed a few theories as to what, exactly, has happened to Rupie: he's on the lam; he has actually been replaced by a melty-faced space alien who visage can take on any form it likes; or, in a gambit to enhance his career, he has surgically transformed himself into soap opera character John Black-DiMera.

Much has been made of Rupert's new face, but answers have been elusive, particularly in light of the commendable researched performed by the Fug Girls. 

A Full-Scale Investigation Is Needed

Friends, after a sleepless night thinking about this

my concern has grown exponentially. It just doesn’t add up. Strange, strange things are afoot at Rupert's Circle-K, and I am distressed.

There’s no harm in going in for a touch-up of an afternoon in your 50s. Everyone sags. It’s part of life. Rupert there, on the left, is, admittedly, decidedly saggy. Personally, I feel that it’s sort of rugged and weathered and sexy—particularly with the stubble—and am rather a bit turned on by the whole thing.

But wrong-headed others may find it a bit haggard. And that’s fine. And there’s nothing wrong with a bit of smoothing and lifting and touching-upping. But it seems to have gotten out of control.

And we’re not even talking WWF out of control. WWF, while ill-advised and, from certain angles and in certain lighting, deeply discomfiting, has not stopped Madonna from looking like Madonna. Nay, rather, at its best, WWF makes Madonna look like Madonna at, say, 30; at its worst, it makes Madonna look like Madonna at, say…well, 50 and undergoing a TRAGIC mid-life crisis. Fine.

But this

well, this is distressing. For many reasons, the most salient of which is that I’M NOT EVEN SURE THIS IS EVEN ACTUALLY EVEN RUPERT EVERETT EVEN.

Dear Rupert Everett

What in the ever-loving hell have you done.

As evidenced on the left, you used to be the sexiest queen in Christendom. Now, you look like a youth pastor. Or a newscaster. Or Chuck Woolery. 

INCORRECT.

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