(Do yourselves a favor and just take a gander at the people in the stands behind Oscar. People think this shit is glamorous, but every year it is nothing but tourists from Omaha who make a fancy day of it by going to the Hard Rock Cafe next to Macy's at the Beverly Center and then putting on their Sunday baseball hat and going to the Oscars. It's totes gross.)
So this foolishness officially begun! The Golden Globe nominations were announced this morning, kicking off another round of awarding movies nobody sees but me! I think this year will be EXTRA interesting because nobody really cares anymore during a NORMAL year, but this year? What with everyone not having a job and companies failing left and right and our country turning into a Socialist republic and everyone prepping to just put cardboard in the bottoms of their shoes instead of buying new ones cuz who has money for new shoes, even if their cheap and ugly like Skechers? No one, that's who, so who cares about Renee Zellweger traipsing down a hundred red carpets in ANOTHER snoozer Carolina Herrera and a haircut even more tragique than last time? Who? Who gives a shit, I ask you? Who?
ME! THAT'S WHO! And by default, SO DO YOU! YAYYYY!
Now. As you may remember from last year, I have a strange obsession with seeing all the nominated movies prior to the ceremony, for no reason because it's not like I get to vote so who cares. But! I can't help it. It fills my heart with glee.
Usually, this ends with me being frantically behind in February, trying to cram them all in at the last minute. But by this February, we might be embroiled in a financial Apocalypse wherein the great unwashed (read: me, you, former employees of Lehman Bros.) are, say, torching establishments like cinemas in an effort to keep warm/as a means of barbecueing stolen hot dogs, and then what will I do?
So I've been very on top of things this fall, and can advise you on all the Oscar bait movies so far. I'll be giving each one a rating, based on the following scale:
CORRECT--This is really, really, reeeeally good. I cried, or came, or both.
Correct--This is really good. But only one 'really'. I cried, or came, but only one or the other.
Incorrect--This is kind of terrible. I kind of felt like vomiting, or hitting someone.
INCORRECT--This is, like, fucking BULLSHIT. I threw my soda at the screen, defecated on my seat, and stormed out.
I also might do something like, say, a CORRect, or an INCORRect, if I feel the need to split hairs. But you get the idea. Following the rating, I'll give you a short list of reasons why you should see the movie, if any.
First up? A cinematic tragedy. And by 'tragedy,' I don't mean as in genre. I mean as in hotly anticipated film with an impressive pedigree that has turned out to be TERRIBLE.
Hippity hop...
ME! THAT'S WHO! And by default, SO DO YOU! YAYYYY!
Now. As you may remember from last year, I have a strange obsession with seeing all the nominated movies prior to the ceremony, for no reason because it's not like I get to vote so who cares. But! I can't help it. It fills my heart with glee.
Usually, this ends with me being frantically behind in February, trying to cram them all in at the last minute. But by this February, we might be embroiled in a financial Apocalypse wherein the great unwashed (read: me, you, former employees of Lehman Bros.) are, say, torching establishments like cinemas in an effort to keep warm/as a means of barbecueing stolen hot dogs, and then what will I do?
So I've been very on top of things this fall, and can advise you on all the Oscar bait movies so far. I'll be giving each one a rating, based on the following scale:
CORRECT--This is really, really, reeeeally good. I cried, or came, or both.
Correct--This is really good. But only one 'really'. I cried, or came, but only one or the other.
Incorrect--This is kind of terrible. I kind of felt like vomiting, or hitting someone.
INCORRECT--This is, like, fucking BULLSHIT. I threw my soda at the screen, defecated on my seat, and stormed out.
I also might do something like, say, a CORRect, or an INCORRect, if I feel the need to split hairs. But you get the idea. Following the rating, I'll give you a short list of reasons why you should see the movie, if any.
First up? A cinematic tragedy. And by 'tragedy,' I don't mean as in genre. I mean as in hotly anticipated film with an impressive pedigree that has turned out to be TERRIBLE.
Hippity hop...
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