Joey: (exasperated sigh) Hi.
Jonathan: Uhhh--oh God--open-collared zip-up sweatahs make me nervous. Uh, Hi!
Donnie: Eyyyy...
Jordan: Good morning.
Danny: S'up.
(Silence)
Joey: Jesus. Fine. I'll do it. I'm Joey, and moving left to right, this is Jonathan, Donnie, Jordan and Danny. We're fuc*ing going on tour. Allegedly. We're not supposed to say anything until the Today show tomorrow, but what the fuc* ever. I can't be bothered with this smoke-and-mirrors bullshi*. We're going on tour.
Jonathan: Oh God. Oh God oh God oh God...
Joey: What?
Jonathan: Just, um, panicking. Just having a quick panic attack. (Laughs uncomfortably)
Joey: Yeah, I heard you have an anxiety disorder. What the fuc* dude?
Jonathan: I just--being on stage, and--
Donnie: Ya like my shiny suit?
Joey: Oh Christ.
Donnie: I got it at this sweet store cawled H&M.
Joey: Oh my God.
Donnie: Bet ya thinking "I wondah how much he paid for it" right?
Joey: I swear to God.
Donnie: Two HUNDRED dollahs.
Joey: I'm calling my agent.
Donnie: No joke.
Danny: Whatevah. Who wants to screw? Look, I gawt my shuht awl unbuttoned awlready an everything.
Let's screw.
Joey: What?
Danny: Screw? Who wants to screw? My bawls itch.
Joey: I'm sure.
Danny: S'why my hands ah in my pockets. Bawls ah wicked itchy. Anyway. Let's screw.
Joey: Who the hell are you talking to?
Danny: Whatevah. I wanna screw.
Joey: Oh my God.
Jonathan: Oh God! Joey don't get mad! Oh God, I can't breathe...
Jordan: Hey, listen everybody. I gotta run real quick and pick my kids up for sawccah practice because my wife can't be bawthahed because she's too busy getting manicures I pay for. She can't be bawthahed with sex anymore either, for the record. But when I get back, stop by my house in Cherry Hill, NJ because I'd love to tell you about this new 30-year term life insurance pawlicy Prudential is awffering.
Joey: Mother fuc*. Why did The Fantasticks have to get stuck in turn-around and go straight to DVD? Why Gawd, huh? What the fuc* did I do to you, huh?
Jonathan: Just keep smiling, Jon, just keep smiling...Oh God...Can't breathe...
Danny: Seriously. No one wants ta screw? I got a big one, a-right? Let's screw.
Donny: Eyyy, if anyone's thirsty, I gotta Zima.
Jordan: Awlso, have you considahd lawng term care insurance?
Joey: Jesus H! Can you awl SHUT UP?
Jordan: No really, think about it. Let's say yah've gotten up there in yeahs, ya got the Awlzheimah's, and ya kids can't affawd to take care of you. What do you do? With lawng term care insurance from Prudential, yaw taken care of. Something to think about. Can someone bring my Jeep Cherokee--I drive a Jeep Cherokee, by the way--can someone bring my Cherokee around?
Danny: Damn. Ma bawls are fuc*in' READY, ya know what I'm sayin? Who wants ta screw!
Jonathan: (Whimpers)
Donnie: Eyyy, you guys. Check it out. I just gawt this new phone from Motorola? Seriously sweet and totally cutting edge. S'cawled a Razah.
Joey: And why couldn't my ballad "Stay the Same" have hit #1, huh? Huh God? Why? I was on the road to a comeback, and now I'm sitting here fresh off "Dancing With the Stahs" in cheap H&M separates with these fuc*ing retahds? This tour better work as well for us as it did for the Spice Girls.
Danny: Man, I'd screw one a dem! I like dat one. What's hah name?
Jonathan: Baby? I like her. She's soothing. Oh God (hyperventilates).
Danny: No, no. The othah one.
Donnie: Scary? Eyyyy. I'm open-minded. I'm down with the intah-racial romance, ya know?
Danny: No, no. The othah one.
Jordan: Geri? The redhead?
Danny: No, no. The othah one.
Joey: Posh? The one with the big breasts?
Danny: Huh? The big who?
Joey: Breasts. Big breasts.
Danny: (blank stare).
Joey: Jesus Christ. BOOBIES. The one with the big BOOBIES.
Danny: Ohhhhhhh! I didn't know what you meant man, with those big words! But no. The othah one.
All: SPAWTY?
Danny: Yeah! Yeah, that one. Spawty. I'd screw hah. I like em athletic cuz they'h bendy and they usually like it up the b-
Joey: WOAH!
Jonathan: (starts to cry) Oh my God...
Joey: Okay, seriously. I'm fuc*ing done with this. Take the gawd damn pictchah and let's wrap this up.
Donnie: I drive a Trans-Am.
Jordan: What about a variable annuity?
Danny: Seriously, I'd go bawls deep.
Jonathan: My throat's closing up...
Joey: Oh my God. I'm going to fuc*ing kill myself.
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