The Gospel According to John

The Midnight Ride of Barack Obama

You may have heard, but…there’s a new sheriff in town!

By ‘sheriff’, of course, I mean President. Wee and hurrah! And as some of you know, I—yes, I—was there to see it happen. Jjjjjjealoussssss?

Un-news

Bitch, please. Do you feel that earthquake? That's what happens when the entire universe yawns at the same time.

Anyone wanna take bets on how long it takes for the Claymates of the world to unite and storm People's offices with pipe bombs and bayonets?

Anyone? I'm putting down $100 that it will happen by the end of the day. Seriously. Everyone in People's offices will be dead by close of business. Trust.

It will be ugly. It will be exactly like medieval war. The Claymates will descend upon the offices, they will ransack everything, pilfer and plunder, rape and pillage, and then torch whatever's left standing. Then they will run out of the building as quickly as their tapered khakis and Keds can carry them and start firing shots into the streets of Columbus Circle.

Then, they will mount the statue in the middle of Columbus Circle and start shooting indiscriminately into the windows of the Time Warner Center. A riot will ensue. The Claymates will begin pistol-whipping anyone who dares challenge them.

The melee will migrate uptown into the Upper West Side and downtown into Times Square, frightening tourists. They will torch all Broadway shows in retaliation for the press's insinuations about Clay while he performed in Spamalot. Chaos will take hold of New York from 42nd Street up to, I'll estimate, 86th Street west of the Park.

The National Guard will be dispatched from the Middle East to attempt to control them, but to no avail. They will begin at the Time Warner Center nexus of the uprising. But the strategic abilities of a group of repressed soccer moms should never be underestimated. They will migrate into Central Park, and the uprising will turn into all out war. The wooded areas and hiking trails will be used as hiding places where Claymates will lie in wait. Guerrilla warfare will take hold as the Claymates climb trees and tuck into caves and hurl gas-soaked tampons at the National Guard troops. Plumes of smoke and the booms of explosions will ring out from the Park for days.

Sarah Palin will make a speech on television appealing to the maternal instincts of these women, and will attempt to appeal to their sympathies by saying, "We all know that the only difference between a Claymate and a pit bull is lipstick." Cheers will go up from the crowd, as world leaders attempt to start a new meme to calm down the uprising. But out of nowhere, a Claymate, having disguised herself in sensible pants suit and American flag lapel pin, will launch forth from the ranks, foaming at the mouth, and will bite Palin's jugular while the CNN cameras air it all. Pandemonium will erupt.

Finally, realizing the desperation gripping the city, and now the country, Laura Bush will hold a secret meeting in private with the world's leading women to decide how to handle these enraged soccer moms. George and Dick will try to barge in, but Laura will go apeshit and will say, very calmly, "George, I love you with all my heart, but you're a fucking moron and if you so much as say one word you will never get to do boom-boom in my hoo-hoo ever again. Am I understood?" George will back down and when Dick tries to push it, George will shank him. Laura's hoo-hoo has super-powers and is not to be toyed with.

After Laura's emergency women's summit, in one last desperate effort, Hillary Clinton, under heavy armor, will be dispatched to Columbus Circle, with Michelle Obama accompanying her just in case sisters need to throw the fuck down. Cindy McCain will be taken to Bloomingdale's to shop so that she stays distracted and pretty. Hillary will make a speech, appealing to the better instincts of the Claymates, attempting to inspire them to greatness.

It will fail. Nothing--not even Michelle Obama, who will yell "Oh FUCK TO THE NO!" when a Claymate hurls a molitov cocktail at Hillary and be at the ready to knock some bitches back in line, will be any match for the ire of the Claymates.

But little do the Claymates know that in her left hand, Hillary will hold a tiny device, no bigger than a dime, and if and when it is squeezed, a signal will go out to Central Command. She will scream at Michelle over the din, "Michelle, TAKE. MY. HAND!" and Michelle and Hillary will clasp hands as tightly as if life depended on it--which it does. The device will send out its signal, Secret Service will appear from nowhere to drag Hillary and Michelle into the subway to safety, and a full airborne military convoy will swoop in on planes and carpet-bomb Central Park. It will be exactly like the ending of Cloverfield.

So, yeah. I've got $100 on the above scenario. Who's in?