Sigh.
Sometimes I can't decide what's more infuriating: the people at these shindigs who look terrible, or the people who WOULDN'T look terrible if it weren't for one tiny, incredibly ill-advised sticking point. Let's begin with the reigning queen of the "Yes, But", Miss Drew Barrymore.
Continue reading "Parsing the Golden Globulars: Fashion Edition, Book Two: Yes, But..." »
Why? This:
I swear to God, Norbit could have swept and this upset would STILL have made it the most thrilling night of my life. Okay, I'm exaggerating a touch. Still. What a complete and utterly thrilling surprise! This could not have made me happier. An ear-splitting group-shriek erupted at my Oscar party last night when they called out Marion’s name, and my roommate teared up. No joke. This is one of those cases of someone being so much more deserving of the award than the rest of her category, but most likely not having a chance. But she pulled off the upset. SO. FUC*ING. EXCITING. The excitement on the part of the audience was palpable as well. Here's a clip of the announcement. Watch 37-months-pregnant Cate Blanchett practically jump out of her chair when they call Marion's name!
Is that not the sweetest thing you've ever seen?! So humbled, so elated, so honored and so overwhelmed. I AM IN LOVE WITH HER!!!
And how cute and French was she in the press room?! Such eloquently broken English! Favorite quote of the night: “I am totally filled with joy and sparkles and fireworks and everything which goes bom-bom-bom!” What? I don't even know! But go on with your broken English self! I am in love with her. Here she is again, after being asked in the press room to sing her favorite Edith Piaf song.
SHE IS SO ADORABLE I CAN'T EVEN STAND IT. I mean...
The other categories were just as satisfying.
Best Actor:
Daniel Day-Lewis, whom Dame Helen Mirren "knighted," using the Oscar as the ceremonial sword. It was a fun moment.
Best Supporting Actres:
(Yeah, yeah, yeah, we'll get to the dress in a minute). How much fun she was on the stage?:
Love the joke about Oscar and her agent sharing a set of buttocks, and love even more the razzing of Clooney for his benippled Batman costume years ago. She's a blast and a genius and I adore her.
Best Supporting Actor:
Javier Bardem, who continues to be the sexiest thing on two legs. I can't even handle him. Swoon. Very sweet of him to dedicate the award to his mother...who is AMAZING. Check her out:
I mean...wow...Senora Bardem...is just...wow...
Best Picture went to No Country for Old Men and Best Director went to Joel and Ethan Coen, as expected. Totally deserved as well.
Best Original Screenplay went to Diablo Cody for Juno, and she's kinda awesome. I love her a lot for wearing what she did (which we'll discuss in a moment.
Best Adapted Screenplay went to No Country for Old Men.
I did have one complaint. As expected, the Best Animated Feature category was utter bullshi*. Certainly no surprise, but Persepolis was robbed. Absolutely robbed. Go see it and you’ll understand. Persepolis losing to Ratatouille is a complete eye-roller. But not a surprise.
But really, that was all that went wrong as far as I'm concerned. I would have loved to see Hal Holbrook win Best Supporting Actor, but I knew it wouldn't happen and Javier deserved it as well, so no real loss. It was also exciting to see how many awards The Bourne Ultimatum won! I’m a huge Bourne fan, so I was kind of excited by this. And I was excited to see Academy voters award things that were deserving of praise regardless of their critical reception or box office numbers. For instance, Elizabeth: the Golden Age winning for Best Costume Design and The Golden Compass winning for Best Visual Effects. Both films were ravaged by critics and made NONE money, but were both deserving of awards for their categories. Usually box office failure will swing Academy votes to a more respected film, but not last night. I think that’s a good thing. Money doesn’t equal quality, so it shouldn’t equal awards either.
Go here for a full list of winners.
Also...drum roll please...I WON MY OFFICE POOL! Okay, I tied. Still. $37.50 richer, bitc*es!!! All in all, one of the most satisfying Oscars ever!
Now the red carpet on the other hand…
Okay, pets. It's time for some fortune-telling.
Office having an Oscar pool? Just want to impress your friends with your uncanny ability to predict the winners on Sunday? Don't give a flying fuc* but like to look at pretty pictures of the famous? Well you've come to the right place.
I make no guarantees of course--one can't when dealing with the abject stupidity flying around Hollywood--but as you all know, I do know everything. About everything. That of course includes the likelihood of Oscar wins. Here's why.
First of all, Oscar Sunday is like a national holiday for me. I take it very seriously. There's Christmas, then Thanksgiving, then Oscar Sunday. Obviously, Christmas is first. There are twinkling lights and things that taste of peppermint. But Thanksgiving only beats out Oscar Sunday for second place because I love stuffing.
Hence, I've seen almost all the movies, because I like to be able to roll my eyes at the insufferable stupidity of people who think, say, Juno will win Best Picture (Not to disparage Juno. I lurrrved it) because they are dumb and haven't seen any of the movies and have no clue what is going on and can't believe Music and Lyrics wasn't even nominated for Best Romantic Comedy.
Third, as most of you know, I spent some time in Hollywood starring in really unfortunate horror movies and working as a bitch set P.A. on various (by which I mean 3) television productions, so I have a pretty good handle on how those idiots in the Academy think. I'm an insider, and kind of a big deal, and I know things. Trust.
And, finally, fourth: I read lots of stuff. There are lots of editors out there paid princely sums to actually look at the history of each category, crunch numbers and determine the year-to-year trends. I can't be bothered with that sort of idiocy, but God knows I LIVE for forking over half my income in order to read all that crap. I'm informed, bitches. So listen up.
Now then. As anyone who's not retarded (such as the idiot readers voting for the Oscar outcomes at moviefone.com, who think 'Juno' is gonna sweep everything and that Johnny Depp is gonna win Best Actor--who the hell are these people?) knows, winning Oscar bets isn't about who SHOULD win. It's about who WILL win. And there's a difference, God knows ('Crash'? Best Picture? Fool, please. What a sanctimonious piece of Liberal guilt crap).
So, herewith, my prognostications for the 'will wins,' followed by the 'should wins.'
Ahem.
And the winners will most likely be...
Let's start with everyone's favorite category, the one with pretty men inside.
Best Actor:
There's no need to even discuss this.
Will win:
Should win:
There's just no two ways about it. Daniel Day-Lewis is the man to beat and there simply is no way that anyone else should or can win. No way, no how, just plain old not gonna happen. His performance in There Will Be Blood is a typical, garden variety DDL performance--which is to say transcendantly riveting. Plus, he drinks your milkshake (such an unlikely catchphrase...I don't really get the whole thing...but whatever). If he loses, be on the lookout for other signs of the Apocalypse, and try to look busy, as Jesus is surely on His way.
The other candidates, who don't even need discussion because--again--there ain't no way no how they goan pull this off, are:
Sweet Jesus. Whew. I mean...
Oh. Also, these three:
(Aren't they pretty? Well, apart from Tommy. He's a bit haggard. But he's old and it gives him gravitas, so it's sort of default-hot)
They are, in case you live in a cavern, Georgie Peorgie Clooney for Michael Clayton (can't not love him, but this ain't his year), Johnny Depp for Sweeney Todd (meh, I'd say I'm over this movie, but I was never under it in the first place. Meh, meh, meh, a thousand times MEH.), Tommy Lee Jones for In the Valley of Elah (what now? One of the year's biggest flops? Oh.) and Viggo Mortensen for Eastern Promises, who gets an honorable mention for his fan-fuc*ing-tastic performance. Plus, he's full-frontal nakey in it. Fighting a dude in a bathhouse. Nakey. And it ain't half bad. Hell, it ain't even 25% bad. THE SCENE, people. God. Grow up. (No, but for real, the other stuff ain't bad either).
On to the pretty ladies, who will all no doubt look amazing Sunday night except one. One of them I am sure will look ridiculous. It's just simple statistics.
Best Actress:
Will win:
Should win:
Don't get me wrong: Julie Christie is brilliant in Away From Her and the film would be a bit of a wash without her incredibly affecting and vulnerable performance. Plus, she's a legend.
But goddam*it, Marion Cotillard in La Vie en Rose blew the roof off all four of the other actresses in this category, including Christie. And I regard Laura Linney as one of my top 5 favorite living actresses, okay? None of them came close to the all-consuming work of Marion Cotillard. She simply was Edith Piaf, plain and simple. It's rare that someone as critical and cynical as me can forget they're watching an actress. But I did. I know Marion was in there somewhere, but I'll be damned if I ever actually saw her.
There are whisperings that she just might pull this off after her upset victory at the BAFTAs (Britain's Oscars) last weekend, besting two of Britain's national treasures--the aforementioned Julie Christie and Stick Insect Who Can't Make Her Lips Touch Keira Knightley--on their home turf. It won't happen though. Number one, her film is in French--not a stumbling block in Britain, but certainly a turn-off Stateside. God forbid anyone should go see a movie with subtitles, particularly some of the idiots that make up the Academy. Number two, Christie is a living legend, and deservedly so. She's the sentimental favorite, and that will win her the little gold man on Sunday. And good for her I guess. Whatever.
I mean, come on. Look how pretty Marion is! And she's French! It's like Audrey Tautou all over again except prettier! Whatever.
There are also rumblings in the press that wee Ellen Page might pull off an upset for her performance in Juno--
--Entertainment Weekly puts her chances ahead of Marion Cotillard's, even--but I don't see it as an option. Older voters are going to find her to be an irreverent whippersnapper (which she is, which is why the movie was so f'ing great), and the girl's only 20. Her nomination--well-deserved--is her award.
Also-rans:
Laura Linney (God I love her. Please do yourself a favor and rent You Can Count on Me. She's so good) is a long shot...her nomination for The Savages was a total surprise and carries no buzz. The film's production company didn't even campaign for her. Love her. But she's toast.
Cate Blanchett (how fuc*ing incredible is this photograph, huh?) is viewed by some as a possible dark horse, but personally I don't think she has a prayer. If she's going to win anything this year, it'll be Best Supporting Actress for I'm Not There, not Best Actress for Elizabeth: The Golden Age, one of (maybe the?) worst-received films of all the nominations this year. I've not seen it, because I can't be bothered, but I've been told by people both smart and stupid that it sucks. Good enough for me. Love her though. Lots.
And now onto the less-pretty-more-interesting gennelmenz.
Best Supporting Actor
This is almost as non-negotiable as DDL for Best Actor.
Will win:
Javier Bardem (so very, very hot when not in costume. In fact, let's have a picture of him in real life, just because it'll brighten my stultifying work day and, unless you're a straight man or an idiot, yours:
Sweet jumpin' Jesu Christo. Oof. I mean...)
for No Country for Old Men.
Should win:
I'm really torn here, but I'm gonna go with my gut.
Mr. Julia Sugarbaker Mr. Dixie Carter Hal Holbrook, for Into the Wild. Until I saw No Country...there wasn't a doubt in my mind that Holbrook had the Supporting Actor race locked. I'm prepared to say, in all sincerity, that his performance in Into the Wild might just be the single most heart-wrenching piece of acting work I've ever seen. Peoples' opinions of the movie overall are mixed, but I can assure you: some of you will love Into the Wild, and some of you will hate it, but if you can watch Hal Holbrook's small chunk of the movie and not be moved, you are dead inside. Period. He alone is worth the viewing.
But man is Javier ever good in No Country...Woo! That's a crazy mutha-fuc*a up there, ya know (in the first picture, not the boner-inducing second one)?! He'll win, and frankly is every bit as deserving as Holbrook. Sentimentality tips the scales for me in Hal's favor, but otherwise...Wow.
Also-rans:
Casey Affleck for The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford (one of the few movies I haven't seen yet...it's sitting on my coffee table as we speak, and, sidebar: I don't get this current foaming-at-the-mouth celebration of Casey Affleck. I mean, he's good and all--better than his brother, that's for sure--but...), Philip Seymour Hoffman for Charlie Wilson's War (yawn. Haven't seen this either. Meh.), and Tom Wilkinson for Michael Clayton (a searing performance...but no Bardem or Holbrook).
On to the still-lovely-but-more-revered-for-their-talent group.
Best Supporting Actress
Ahh, the perennial wild card. This category is always the hardest to call, every year without fail. This year is one of the tightest races ever. This is a tough one...don't hate me if I'm wrong. Because frankly, this is a clusterfuc*.
Ahem.
Will win:
.........
.........
.........
*gulp*
.........
*deep breath*
.........
(incidentally, this is the face I will be making as I wait for Alan Arkin to read the name on the envelope and hope that I didn't choose poorly and lose my office pool)
Tilda Swinton for Michael Clayton, who really did give an incredible performance as a self-consciously nefarious corporate attorney trying to pull one over on Georgie Peorgie. Tilda is an incredible actress--one of those few, like Daniel Day-Lewis, who just might be incapable of turning in anything short of FLAWLESS acting work--and a win for her would be well-deserved. She's almost unanimously named as the front-runner.
As for should wins...I haven't seen two of the nominated films, and I suspect one of them in particular might inspire deep feelings of indecisiveness in me. So I'll just talk numbers instead.
Miss Tilda does not have this locked. Here's where the clusterfuc* factor comes in.
First, there's this one:
Ms. Amy Ryan from Gone Baby Gone, who did a fantastic job in the film but with not much screen time. Personally, I think her nomination is her award...but then, if she won, I wouldn't necessarily be crying out that Tilda was robbed...I guess...The main thing is that she has a lot of buzz. People just seem to be incredibly dazzled by her performance. Plus, she's a relative unknown who kind of came out of nowhere, which makes her performance all the more memorable. Hence, clusterfuc*.
Then, there's this one:
That's Cate Blanchett there, in case you couldn't tell. Which is, incidentally, why she just might pull this off. I mean...that's Cate bloody Blanchett there as Bob Dylan, in the biopic I'm Not There. Cate's incredible, an Academy darling, and a force to be reckoned with. However, she has already won this category for playing an actual person--Katharine Hepburn in The Aviator--so that might work against her. Still. There is major clusterfuc* blood on her hands. (Sorry, that's kind of a yucky metaphor).
And finally, there's this one:
Ruby Dee, from American Gangster. She's the sentimental and "career achievement" favorite and God knows Oscar loves that crap. She's only in the movie for five minutes, but those five minutes were enough to win her the SAG Award. However, I'll venture to say that SAG Awards are often handed out in lieu of Oscars--here, we actors'll give ya an award, cuz although you're wee and fabulous as well as a little bit crazy, we're not gonna vote for ya for the Oscar, mmm'kay? Now run along--so that might not add up to much. Still: clusterfuc*.
The one person NOT contributing to the clusterfuc* is:
Atonement's Saoirse (pronounced SEER-sha) Ronan. She's absolutely incredible, by the way, and if this were a lesser year, she might have a chance to win this. She is an absolute prodigy--the hell with Dakota Fanning. Please. This girl of 12 holds her own against VANESSA SODDING REDGRAVE for God's sake. But she doesn't have a prayer. Not this year. Not against these other four. Atonement has collapsed under itself and there's just no way.
I'm still going with Tilda...but with trepidations...too many possible upsets here. Tread carefully. Swinton's the lesser of 4 possible-pool-losing evils.
Best Picture
Will win:
Should win:
Hands down, the best film of the five.
Juno has heart.
Atonement is gorgeous.
And Michael Clayton has some humdinger performances and a great script.
But No Country for Old Men has absolutely everything: incredible acting, inventive cinematography, spot-on writing and brilliant direction by the Coen brothers that wrings heart-pounding suspense out of the smallest of moments. Plus, there's Javier Bardem's performance. Never has subtlety been so terrifying. It's favored to win and I think it will...unless...
The one and only sure thing here is that Atonement's goose is cooked. I'm not sure what happened to this film, but it seems to have collapsed under its own panache. It's a great film--gorgeously shot, incredibly well-acted (I'm even willing to give Pouty Lips McGee Keira Knightley a pass on this one), and very well-written--but...well, no one seems to give a shi*, frankly. People seem to be over the traditional "Oscar movie" in the vein of, say, The English Patient--sweeping, epic, British--and hence Atonement just hasn't connected with people. Plus, its director, Joe Wright, wasn't nominated for Best Director (a bit of crime really...that 5-minute tracking shot on the beach at Dunkirk alone was worth a nod for him), and there have only been four instances in history where a Best Picture nominee without a Best Director nom has actually won.
So Atonement is the one we can count on to lose. The others are a bit murky though. Michael Clayton has won an awful lot of favor for its likeness to favorites from the 70's like Network and All the President's Men. And Juno's tug on the heartstrings certainly shouldn't be ignored. Vote-splitting might bring on a huge upset.
Plus, there's
There Will Be Blood. This, more than the others I think, is where vote-splitting might come into play. Personally, I would be perfectly elated if There Will Be Blood were to take the prize. It's incredible.
All this being said, I still think No Country for Old Men will take the cake. Michael Clayton just doesn't have the style and scale of No Country, and Juno? Well, comedies don't win Oscars. Period. As for There Will Be Blood, P.T. Anderson is the Hillary Clinton of Hollywood; for every person who thinks he's an incomparable genius (like me) with a proven track record of masterpieces (Boogie Nights, Magnolia) there's another who thinks he's a self-aggrandizing hack whose films are nothing more than stylish mental masturbation. These people are idiots, but they'll keep this film from winning the top honor of the night.
Best Director
Another toughie. Tony Gilroy for Michael Clayton and Jason Reitman for Juno are this category's safe best NOT to win. Say it with me: their nominations are their awards.
PT Anderson for There Will Be Blood is a possibility, and shares the same fan base as the Coen brothers. And Julian Schnabel's work on The Diving Bell and the Butterfly (which I haven't seen) is unanimously considered to be genius.
But. The Diving Bell wasn't nominated for Best Picture an almost sure sign Schnabel's--yes, you guessed it--nomination is his reward. And the Coens have been in the biz a lot longer that PT Anderson. They're all deserving, but I think it'll swing the Coen's way.
And now, a quick, brief rundown of the remaining categories, based mainly on research. What the hell do I or any of you know about Sound Mixing? Please.
Best Original Screenplay
This is a virtual lock.
This award is Diablo Cody's. Hands down. Everyone wants Juno to win something, and this is the one is deserves more than any of the others.
Best Adapted Screenplay:
All the insiders say it'll be No Country for Old Men. I think Atonement may have a fighting chance for this one--everyone who's read the book says it's the most faithful adaptation they've ever seen--but again, the movie's has collapsed under its own weight. If the insiders say No Country, I believe 'em.
Art Direction
Survey says?
Sweeney Todd.
It's the most elaborate of the nominees, and that's what gets votes.
Costume Design
Beanpole McBeal's Keira Knightley's gorgeous green dress is but the tip of the iceberg in Atonement costume deliciousness, but:
Read the above, re: Art Direction. Rinse, lather, repeat.
Makeup
Kidding! Kidding. Relax.
It takes a makeup expert to make a truly gorgeous 32-yr-old like Marion Cotillard into
a middle-aged pill-popping boozehound. And this is her on a GOOD day. By the end of the film, she looks positively dead on her feet, and not once do you notice the makeupiness of it all (like, say, Nicole Kidman's schnoz in The Hours).
Original Score
If Atonement doesn't take this one, it'll be a crime. Dario Marianelli's use of typewriter taps to create suspense is a bizarre stroke of utter genius.
Original Song
I'm told "Falling Slowly" is a lock.
Documentary Feature
Micheal Moore will not win this. Trust me. All the critics and insiders agree that this will take the prize. Plus, it's an election year, and the politically-minded Hollywood set will be gunning for this to win some attention. I haven't seen it, but I've heard it's brilliant, and I hope it wins.
Cinematography
This is a hotly contested race. Roger Deakins is a veteran cinematographer whose talent is deeply revered. But he's nominated for two films: No Country For Old Men, and The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford. That spells vote-splitting.
I was giving my vote to No Country...but I think I'm changing my mind.
Don't quote me though.
Film Editing
There's the distinct possibility of a The Bourne Ultimatum upset--and don't roll your eyes, editing is what MAKES a movie like Bourne so much fun to watch, and it just won the Eddie, which is the Editors' yearly award. But most often, the Editing Oscar goes to the Best Picture winner. Bourne obviously is not a nominee in that category, so:
Safest bet.
Visual Effects
Another lock, according to the media.
Sound Mixing
Ditto.
Sound Editing
Aaaaand again.
Best Foreign Language Film
First, a word. The fact that films like Persepolis and The Diving Bell and the Butterfly are not eligible for this category means that the eligibility requirements need to be changed STAT. We live in an increasingly globalized world. The era of films produced solely and 100% foreignly is, and has been for some time, OVER. There's no reason two films like these should go home empty-handed. Get a clue, Academy.
Anyway, sources point to
It's about the Holocaust, and Hollywood's heavy Jewish contingent pretty much guarantees that this is a lock.
Best Animated Feature
Mark my words: Sunday's biggest crime will occur in this category.
There is absolutely NO WAY--NONE--to justify what will happen in this category. It is pure, simple stupidity. But it WILL happen.
It should be
because it is one of the most incredible films I've ever seen. No kidding. Gorgeously drawn, hilariously funny and clever, deeply affecting, inspiring and timely. It DESERVES this Oscar.
But it won't win. This will:
Whatever. Don't fuc*ing wave at me you fuc*ing thieves.
Best Documentary Short Film
Everyone who knows what they're talking about says Freeheld.
Best Live Action Short Film
A friend and reader who's seen the films says The Tonto Woman, but all critics and insiders are nearly unanimous: Tanghi Argentini.
Best Animated Short Film
The Beatles-themed I Met the Walrus seems to be the critical fave.
And there you have it fools. Let me know how you fared on your pools, if any. I hope I've led you straight...
Check in Monday for all sorts of kvetching about who won and what didn't, a full report of whether or not I won my office pool and, of course, bucketloads of bitching, pissing, AND moaning about what people wore.
Tis a very busy day today at HQ and I don't have as much time as I'd like to dedicate to last night's SAG Awards. However, there are a few VITALLY important points we need to discuss.
First and foremost:
I never thought I'd say this even if I lived for one trillion years, but last night on the SAG Awards? I missed Ryan Seacrest.
I know, I know. But seriously? Debbie Matenopoulos is such a blithering idiot that she made Ryan Seacrest, whom she was replacing due to illness, seem eloquent and brilliant by comparison.
I seriously don't have words that will accurately describe what an idiot this woman is. First off--and only about 30 minutes or so into the red carpet footage--we had her encounter with this fellow Midwestern genius, who I could only love more if she were, say, actually related to me by blood, because, after all, I'm she can type faster than Mavis Beacon:
She's Julie Fischer from 'The Office.'
Except that she's actually JENNA Fischer. But Debbie can't be bothered to call people by their correct names. She'll just pick any ol' name as long as it starts with the correct letter.
Now, Jenna's kind of a big deal. She's one of the stars of one of the biggest shows on television, and I think I saw that she actually WON the SAG Award LAST YEAR. It's not like she's a nobody. And even if she WAS a nobody Dummie Matendumbasspoulos has a TEAM of people working around her telling her what to say. I know this for two reasons. #1: That is how live television works. #2: You will never convince me that she's intelligent enough to come up with her own lines, because she's mentally retarded.
On a separate note, I do not care for Jenna's dress. It makes her boobs look droopy and the straps look like a seat belt one might wear on a roller coaster. Not a fan.
Dumbass Matendipsh*topoulidiotos next flubbed this dude's name:
(Incidentally: yo...)
Apparently, his name is Eric Mabian. Even though it's really Mabius. Like Julie Jenna up there, Eric is also one of the stars of one of TV's biggest shows right now, 'Ugly Betty.' Why Dorothy Metropolis doesn't know his name is anyone's guess. I've never even SEEN 'Ugly Betty' and I know this dude's name.
Next, I'd like anyone who can cogently explain what the ever-loving hell THIS was about to email me post haste so that I can stop thinking about it:
"You'd rather be a nanny than a nurse"??????
What in the hell does that even MEAN, Darla Maybellineatokomos? One thing is for sure, it was some sort of joke about Judith Light's age, and what the fuc* is that about? How dare you make fun of Angela Bower's age on a red carpet?! What is WRONG with you?!
Then there was Giuliana Rancic (neé Depandi or somesuch) who kept asking every actress on the red carpet "How do you keep your amazing body?" She asked this roughly a four hundred and thirty-seven times. That is an estimate since I lost count.
But THEN she had the audacity to include HERSELF in the category of women who are "dying to know" how all the women from 'Desperate Housewives' keep their figures, and when Teri Hatcher talked about how important it is to accept yourself for who you are (eyeroll) regardless of your size (eyeroll) because constantly comparing yourself to celebrities can be emotionally toxic (bullet to the head), Giuliana included herself in the group of women who struggle with body image issues as well.
Now fuc*ing LOOK AT HER:
SHE IS A STICK INSECT.
As well as, apparently, an idiot. But not, for the record, nearly as bad as Douchey Manicottipotamus, who, by the way, kept call Giulian 'G'.
Moving on.
Dear Nikki Blonsky:
Why are you wearing a bridesmaid dress to the SAG Awards? Just because the salesgirl at David's Bridal told you that front hem was a good idea doesn't mean you should listen. Also, you need to tone down the oh-my-God-I-can't-believe-this-is-happening-to-li'l-ol'-me histrionics stat. Own the moment or shut up.
Next, we need to discuss this:
Now let's get one thing straight before we have our point/counterpoint.
I.
LOVE.
JANE KRAKOWSKI.
I love her a lot. #1: Girl's a thick, buxom chick in an industry that probably regards her as 'fat' and she don't give a FUC* and rocks that shi* like a car crash anyway. If I was the sort of person who enjoyed sexual relations with the womenfolk, I would bang her like pots and pans. #2: She is multi-talented. She is a brilliant comedian, can sing like a mutha fuc*a, and has a Tony up in this bitc*. #3: I have deep suspicions that she would make any party CRUNK AS HELL because she would a--drink a lot, b--sit in a corner with me making catty remarks about other guests and c--I suspect that she has a similar sense of humor to my friend Cammie, who is fond of singing early-90's rap songs in the voice of Julie Andrews (her specialty is 'Rump Shaker'); I can see Jane doing similar to the delight of party-goers young and old. #5: Apart from SAG Award-winner Alec Baldwin, she might be my favorite part of '30 Rock.' She is hilarious. I am tempted to post multiple and sundry YouTube clips of her as Jenna Maroney as evidence, but feel that would be tedious for me and irritating for you. BUT. It cannot be ignored. THIS:
After all, it WAS #1 on Israel's pop charts for several weeks in a row.
So. Let there be no mistake.
I
LOVE
JANE KRAKOWSKI.
However...the big reveal of this dress came as we returned from a commercial break, and either Giuliana or Ducky Marshmallopotokamopolopoulous, I neither remember nor care which, informed us that she and Jane had been snarkily critiquing others' outfits during the commercial.
I won't belabor the point, but I feel pretty strongly that those who reside in colorfully-painted-Tinkertoys-
glued-to-those-artificial-craftstore-grapes-used-for-wreathmaking-glued-to-lemon-drops-that-are-so-
heavy-they-appear-to-be-pulling-your-boobs-down-to-the-red-carpet houses shouldn't be throwing stones.
And finally, because I cannot end my critique on an anti-Krakowski note because, as I have made abundantly clear, I HEART THE KRAKOWSKI :
SAG Members: when one show, which everyone had already forgotten about because it isn't even on the air anymore and everyone had stopped watching anyway and had a really stupid finale that pissed everyone off, wins EVERYTHING, it makes for a REEEALLY boring show.
And now for the good parts.
This:
YES SANDRA OH. Lots of people seem to hate it, and I in fact DO hate the pink ribbon falling down the front, but photoshop that out and I think it's fuc*ing FIERCE.
CORRECT, Marion Cotillard, star of 'La Vie en Rose' who is impossibly beautiful and should have won the award for Best Actress for her heart-stopping portrayal of Edith Piaf instead of the still-very-deserving-but-just-not-as-much-as-Marion Julie Christie.
And speaking of whom:
SIXTY-SEVEN YEARS OLD PEOPLE. SIXTY-SEVEN. 3 SCORE AND SEVEN YEARS.
Dear Mr. Bardem:
Although--despite the fact that I've thought you were brilliant ever since 'Before Night Falls' and the fact that I think 'No Country For Old Men' should win Best Picture at the Oscars and the fact that, aside from the Coen brothers being geniuses, that is entirely due to your incredibly brilliant performance therein--you were, in fact, my second choice for Best Supporting Actor in a Drama and I feel very strongly that Julia Sugarbaker's husband Hal Holbrook was robbed and is a victim of the fact that like 4 people saw 'Into the Wild' and that depending on how you look at things it may or may not have been a particularly good movie and while we're on the subject, why was Emile Hirsch so wooden and dead-eyed when he and Mr. Sugarbaker announced 'Into the Wild' as one of the ensemble cast nominees?
Apart from all of that and, now that I'm thinking about it, the fact that after watching you last night I suspect that you may or may not be a touch impressed with yourself, but then you Europeans are often hard to read and easy to misjudge, as evidenced by the fact that you are often misconstrued as gay when really you're just sort of Euro-fey and more fashionable than the typical American straight man, I'd like to extend an invitation to you to stay in my guest room (by which I mean an air mattress on my living room floor, or, if you happen to have a bad back, on my very supportive mattress beside me in my bed) the next time you find yourself in New York and in need of lodging. Or just hospitality.
And speaking, Senor Bardem, of the man whom you robbed of an award:
Look at the Sugarbakers on the red carpet last night!!!! Are you kidding me?! How can you not love them?!?! If there is a God, I will wake up tomorrow morning to find that the Sugarbakers, by some miracle that surpasses human understanding, have in fact become my grandparents, and they will come to visit me often, whereupon Mr. Hal Sugarbaker (neé Holbrook) will take me to a dimly-lit bar with leather couches where we will sit drinking brandy from snifters talking films, and Mrs. Julia Sugarbaker (neé Carter; and also Dixie, come to think of it) will take me shopping for a nice suit to wear to the museum fundraiser I will attend as her guest that evening (cause those aren't really Hal's thing). Also, Julia/Dixie's grey streaks are fierce like WHAT.
And finally, Daniel Day-Lewis's win for 'There Will Be Blood' was awesome enough. I don't know how he manages to consistently top his previous performances but he somehow does. I think he might be possessed by Satan or something. Or, alternatively, he's Jesus. One or the other. Regardless, the man is incredible. He's one of those actors that disappears entirely into a character, making you forget completely that you're watching Daniel Day-Lewis. I have a degree in acting (stop that snickering--two-bit, bargain-basement degrees still count as degrees) and I can't even begin to comprehend how he does what he does. It's beyond me, and in all seriousness, I am in awe of him.
But I digress. His winning was fantastic enough. His eloquent, heartfelt dedication of his award to the memory of Heath Ledger was by far the best part of the night:
Well put, DDL.
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