In keeping with the ceremony, there wasn’t really anyone who REALLY jumped out and looked amazing, and there wasn’t really anyone who REALLY jumped out and looked awful. There were no real incidents. Everything was just sort of fine or kind of not fine but really not all that bad and whatever my God I think the weird untelevised writers’ strike Globulars were more interesting than this year’s.
Be that as it may, just because the bar wasn’t raised particularly high or low does not mean everyone was beneath praise or above reproach.
In fact, my day-after-Globulars began, upon logging into my email, with IMs awaiting me from my dear darling Camaryn (sister to the ever-witty Miss Kate and the victim--or beneficiary?--of this), which went thusly:
Which seems like as good a place to start as any. Ahoy!
To put it in the most syrupy way possible, my heart is so
full of this movie I hardly know where to begin. I saw Precious at the New York
Film Festival last weekend—during which I sat behind Michael Moore and spitting distance from
Mariah Carey and Miss Sherri Shepherd from our most favorite travesty, TV’s The
View, thank you very much—and I haven’t taken in a movie so moving (zing!) in a long, long time. I
walked out feeling like I needed to grab everyone who passed me and ask them,
“Have you seen Precious?”, just so I could have someone to talk about it with. If for no other reason than the revelatory performance of newcomer Gabourey Sidibe, I implore you: GO. SEE. PRECIOUS.
Okay, I'd like to clarify up front that I care very little about Mariah Carey and not an iota about Nick Cannon.
Please. I actually forgot Nick Cannon existed until today, but apparently he's still been around and he still thinks he's a hot shot and I still think he's a douchebag.
And Mariah? I used to loathe her, but, come on: The Emancipation of Mimi was pretty hot. So I've softened on her a bit. I not longer loathe her. I just...sorta...don't care.
Ooh, wait. Except for this:
Oh Mariah. How I love that song and that video and, more than anything, that you can't dance and your attempts at Li'l Kim-style hand flinging just makes you look like you have cerebral palsy.
Anyway, 'Heartbreaker'--ooh, wait, and 'Honey' as well--aside, I don't care much more about the Mimi than I do about Nick Cannon.
But these two getting engaged?! That is an unholy alliance that needs to be commented upon. The rumor mill has been churning--something about being spotted in Vegas with some giant diamond or somesuch whatever--and there's very little evidence, so personally, when I came across it on Gawker today, I figured "Meh. Bullshit."
And then I saw Douchebag Nick Cannon on MTV "denying" the story:
#1: Eew. #2: She's 39, he's 28. Eew. #3: Nick Cannon is apparently mentally retarded, because fuc*ing Heather Graham could turn in a more convincing performance. Those crusted over whores on 'The Hills' could do more believable acting. Please. This engagement is very apparently on. #4: Eew. #5: "Festive?" WHAT IN THE HELL DOES THAT EVEN MEAN? How can a PERSON be "FESTIVE"?!?! That makes NONE sense whatsoever. #6: Mimi, if you're reading this: we've never been good friends or anything. But girl. YOU CANNOT MARRY A MAN WHO DESCRIBES YOU AS 'FESTIVE'! Mimi, listen to me: LOOK AWAY FROM THE RING. #7: Wait. Is 'festive' some kind of hip-hop slang I don't know about? I only get my hip-hop slang from new Madonna albums, so I wouldn't know. Now I feel stupid. #8: Wait again. No. I don't care if it IS hip-hop slang. Slang or no, I would NEVER allow a man--look who I'm calling a man--a BOY to call me fuc*ing 'festive.' I am a treasure and I won't have it. #9: I can't pinpoint why, but this possible union TERRIFIES ME. It's like a perfect shi*storm of ego and stupidity and...I'm fuc*ing petrified. #10: Eew.
(Well, actually, worse than a pig, technically...)
Speaking of J. Lo, remember that time when J.Lo was in 'Selena' and then 'Out of Sight' and then 'The Cell' and we were all like "Wow, she's pretty great! Who knew that a Fly Girl from 'In Living Color' could go on to be such a great actress?!" and then she turned into a giant a-hole and made nothing but crap like 'Enough' except that's a bad example because 'Enough' is so bad that it's actually awesome--but like, really, really awesome but then she made other crap like 'The Wedding Planner' that's just plain crap and then she got a wild hair up her ass that she can sing and then showed up at the Grammys with her wageena hanging out and then thought she was the the most important woman on earth and then got the hint that no one cares and disappeared with her husband Marc Anthony, who I feel more strongly everyday is probably a vampire as do others?
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