Well, kidlets. The world is burning down around us, but so what! Because Sunday is the Gay Super Bowl! (That’s the Oscars. ‘citing, isn’t it? I know! Uh!)
Which means it’s time for our second annual Should
Win/Will Win! Yayyyyy!
It's a tough competition this year, folks. The
Should Win part, in particular. But even the Will Win is a bit tricky. Granted, some of it
can be summed up thusly:
Delightful English Girl Whom of Late the English Have
Suddenly, for Some Reason, Turned On
Former Spouse of Madonna Pulling a Hilary
Swank
Injuns (tikka masala, not teepees)
But the rest is all a bit murky, no?
Ah! But! This year, I’ll be utilizing the stats skills of
Mr. Nate Silver! Hurrah! He’s the one who basically fortune-told the whole presidential election using math. Or
maths, if you’re British.
Anyway, he’s figured the whole ceremony out, and if you’re
smart, you’ll set your Oscar pool clocks by his watch and then win lots of
dough at work, instead of that douchebag suburban commuter lady who always
leaves those passive-aggressive notes in the lunch room and wins the Oscar pool
every year because she has no idea what’s going on and saw none of the movies
and just guesses on every category and gets lucky! Yay!
So jump the jump and we’ll try to get this sorted.
Tis a very busy day today at HQ and I don't have as much time as I'd like to dedicate to last night's SAG Awards. However, there are a few VITALLY important points we need to discuss.
First and foremost: I never thought I'd say this even if I lived for one trillion years, but last night on the SAG Awards? I missed Ryan Seacrest.
I know, I know. But seriously? Debbie Matenopoulos is such a blithering idiot that she made Ryan Seacrest, whom she was replacing due to illness, seem eloquent and brilliant by comparison.
I seriously don't have words that will accurately describe what an idiot this woman is. First off--and only about 30 minutes or so into the red carpet footage--we had her encounter with this fellow Midwestern genius, who I could only love more if she were, say, actually related to me by blood, because, after all, I'm she can type faster than Mavis Beacon:
She's Julie Fischer from 'The Office.'
Except that she's actually JENNA Fischer. But Debbie can't be bothered to call people by their correct names. She'll just pick any ol' name as long as it starts with the correct letter.
Now, Jenna's kind of a big deal. She's one of the stars of one of the biggest shows on television, and I think I saw that she actually WON the SAG Award LAST YEAR. It's not like she's a nobody. And even if she WAS a nobody Dummie Matendumbasspoulos has a TEAM of people working around her telling her what to say. I know this for two reasons. #1: That is how live television works. #2: You will never convince me that she's intelligent enough to come up with her own lines, because she's mentally retarded.
On a separate note, I do not care for Jenna's dress. It makes her boobs look droopy and the straps look like a seat belt one might wear on a roller coaster. Not a fan.
Dumbass Matendipsh*topoulidiotos next flubbed this dude's name:
(Incidentally: yo...)
Apparently, his name is Eric Mabian. Even though it's really Mabius. Like Julie Jenna up there, Eric is also one of the stars of one of TV's biggest shows right now, 'Ugly Betty.' Why Dorothy Metropolis doesn't know his name is anyone's guess. I've never even SEEN 'Ugly Betty' and I know this dude's name.
Next, I'd like anyone who can cogently explain what the ever-loving hell THIS was about to email me post haste so that I can stop thinking about it:
"You'd rather be a nanny than a nurse"??????
What in the hell does that even MEAN, Darla Maybellineatokomos? One thing is for sure, it was some sort of joke about Judith Light's age, and what the fuc* is that about? How dare you make fun of Angela Bower's age on a red carpet?! What is WRONG with you?!
Then there was Giuliana Rancic (neé Depandi or somesuch) who kept asking every actress on the red carpet "How do you keep your amazing body?" She asked this roughly a four hundred and thirty-seven times. That is an estimate since I lost count.
But THEN she had the audacity to include HERSELF in the category of women who are "dying to know" how all the women from 'Desperate Housewives' keep their figures, and when Teri Hatcher talked about how important it is to accept yourself for who you are (eyeroll) regardless of your size (eyeroll) because constantly comparing yourself to celebrities can be emotionally toxic (bullet to the head), Giuliana included herself in the group of women who struggle with body image issues as well.
Now fuc*ing LOOK AT HER:
SHE IS A STICK INSECT.
As well as, apparently, an idiot. But not, for the record, nearly as bad as Douchey Manicottipotamus, who, by the way, kept call Giulian 'G'.
Moving on.
Dear Nikki Blonsky:
Why are you wearing a bridesmaid dress to the SAG Awards? Just because the salesgirl at David's Bridal told you that front hem was a good idea doesn't mean you should listen. Also, you need to tone down the oh-my-God-I-can't-believe-this-is-happening-to-li'l-ol'-me histrionics stat. Own the moment or shut up.
Next, we need to discuss this:
Now let's get one thing straight before we have our point/counterpoint.
I.
LOVE.
JANE KRAKOWSKI.
I love her a lot. #1: Girl's a thick, buxom chick in an industry that probably regards her as 'fat' and she don't give a FUC* and rocks that shi* like a car crash anyway. If I was the sort of person who enjoyed sexual relations with the womenfolk, I would bang her like pots and pans. #2: She is multi-talented. She is a brilliant comedian, can sing like a mutha fuc*a, and has a Tony up in this bitc*. #3: I have deep suspicions that she would make any party CRUNK AS HELL because she would a--drink a lot, b--sit in a corner with me making catty remarks about other guests and c--I suspect that she has a similar sense of humor to my friend Cammie, who is fond of singing early-90's rap songs in the voice of Julie Andrews (her specialty is 'Rump Shaker'); I can see Jane doing similar to the delight of party-goers young and old. #5: Apart from SAG Award-winner Alec Baldwin, she might be my favorite part of '30 Rock.' She is hilarious. I am tempted to post multiple and sundry YouTube clips of her as Jenna Maroney as evidence, but feel that would be tedious for me and irritating for you. BUT. It cannot be ignored. THIS:
After all, it WAS #1 on Israel's pop charts for several weeks in a row.
So. Let there be no mistake.
I
LOVE
JANE KRAKOWSKI.
However...the big reveal of this dress came as we returned from a commercial break, and either Giuliana or Ducky Marshmallopotokamopolopoulous, I neither remember nor care which, informed us that she and Jane had been snarkily critiquing others' outfits during the commercial.
I won't belabor the point, but I feel pretty strongly that those who reside in colorfully-painted-Tinkertoys- glued-to-those-artificial-craftstore-grapes-used-for-wreathmaking-glued-to-lemon-drops-that-are-so- heavy-they-appear-to-be-pulling-your-boobs-down-to-the-red-carpet houses shouldn't be throwing stones.
And finally, because I cannot end my critique on an anti-Krakowski note because, as I have made abundantly clear, I HEART THE KRAKOWSKI :
SAG Members: when one show, which everyone had already forgotten about because it isn't even on the air anymore and everyone had stopped watching anyway and had a really stupid finale that pissed everyone off, wins EVERYTHING, it makes for a REEEALLY boring show.
And now for the good parts.
This:
YES SANDRA OH. Lots of people seem to hate it, and I in fact DO hate the pink ribbon falling down the front, but photoshop that out and I think it's fuc*ing FIERCE.
CORRECT, Marion Cotillard, star of 'La Vie en Rose' who is impossibly beautiful and should have won the award for Best Actress for her heart-stopping portrayal of Edith Piaf instead of the still-very-deserving-but-just-not-as-much-as-Marion Julie Christie.
And speaking of whom:
SIXTY-SEVEN YEARS OLD PEOPLE. SIXTY-SEVEN. 3 SCORE AND SEVEN YEARS.
Dear Mr. Bardem:
Although--despite the fact that I've thought you were brilliant ever since 'Before Night Falls' and the fact that I think 'No Country For Old Men' should win Best Picture at the Oscars and the fact that, aside from the Coen brothers being geniuses, that is entirely due to your incredibly brilliant performance therein--you were, in fact, my second choice for Best Supporting Actor in a Drama and I feel very strongly that Julia Sugarbaker's husband Hal Holbrook was robbed and is a victim of the fact that like 4 people saw 'Into the Wild' and that depending on how you look at things it may or may not have been a particularly good movie and while we're on the subject, why was Emile Hirsch so wooden and dead-eyed when he and Mr. Sugarbaker announced 'Into the Wild' as one of the ensemble cast nominees?
Apart from all of that and, now that I'm thinking about it, the fact that after watching you last night I suspect that you may or may not be a touch impressed with yourself, but then you Europeans are often hard to read and easy to misjudge, as evidenced by the fact that you are often misconstrued as gay when really you're just sort of Euro-fey and more fashionable than the typical American straight man, I'd like to extend an invitation to you to stay in my guest room (by which I mean an air mattress on my living room floor, or, if you happen to have a bad back, on my very supportive mattress beside me in my bed) the next time you find yourself in New York and in need of lodging. Or just hospitality.
And speaking, Senor Bardem, of the man whom you robbed of an award:
Look at the Sugarbakers on the red carpet last night!!!! Are you kidding me?! How can you not love them?!?! If there is a God, I will wake up tomorrow morning to find that the Sugarbakers, by some miracle that surpasses human understanding, have in fact become my grandparents, and they will come to visit me often, whereupon Mr. Hal Sugarbaker (neé Holbrook) will take me to a dimly-lit bar with leather couches where we will sit drinking brandy from snifters talking films, and Mrs. Julia Sugarbaker (neé Carter; and also Dixie, come to think of it) will take me shopping for a nice suit to wear to the museum fundraiser I will attend as her guest that evening (cause those aren't really Hal's thing). Also, Julia/Dixie's grey streaks are fierce like WHAT.
And finally, Daniel Day-Lewis's win for 'There Will Be Blood' was awesome enough. I don't know how he manages to consistently top his previous performances but he somehow does. I think he might be possessed by Satan or something. Or, alternatively, he's Jesus. One or the other. Regardless, the man is incredible. He's one of those actors that disappears entirely into a character, making you forget completely that you're watching Daniel Day-Lewis. I have a degree in acting (stop that snickering--two-bit, bargain-basement degrees still count as degrees) and I can't even begin to comprehend how he does what he does. It's beyond me, and in all seriousness, I am in awe of him.
But I digress. His winning was fantastic enough. His eloquent, heartfelt dedication of his award to the memory of Heath Ledger was by far the best part of the night:
I haven't been posting about the whole Heath Ledger whirlwind since the initial incident; there's enough being said about it that I certainly needn't get involved. But as self-centered as this may sound, the entire thing is getting to be so unsavory and infuriating that I kind of can't handle it anymore. I've tried unsuccessfully several times today to post something--a new 'Subway Chronicles', a tirade about how utterly retarded the new show 'Moment of Truth' is--and to be honest, my blood is at such a rolling boil that I haven't been able to concentrate. So, the hell with it. Here goes.
I'm sure no one gives a fraction of a fuck, but I am unbelievably tired of the generally accepted order of the day that celebrities aren't really people and so we should feel free to help ourselves to their tragedies.
Don't get me wrong--I take great delight in laughing at what celebrities wear and the stupid things they say. If you've spent any time reading this stupid blog, you know this. But there is a fucking line, people. There is a line between humor and satire and plain old fucking cruelty.
The current Britney debacle is a poignant example. Has it escaped the notice of nearly everyone that this girl is clearly mentally ill? Am I the ONLY ONE in the world who no longer finds it funny and instead, a bit unnerving, to say the least? Am I the ONLY ONE who doesn't see the humor in a woman getting her children taken away from her? Am I the ONLY ONE who finds it chilling and infuriating--rather than funny--that the Associated Press was found to have a Britney obituary on hand, just in case?
The answer appears to be 'yes,' because the general consensus seems to be "she's bringing it on herself, so laugh it up." Because celebrity makes one immune to making insanity-based--and that's precisely what I think Britney is--decisions? Is celebrity like a superpower that imbues all who bask in its limelight a superhuman ability to think clearly while dealing constantly with a global three-ring circus aimed constantly at mocking them?
But I've veered off topic. I didn't start this to talk about the Britney media circus. I'm no match for the hilarious drawing-cum-drips-on-photos-of-celebrities antics of beneath-contempt fools like Perez Hilton. That tide isn't going to turn by my hand. It's a lost cause.
The reason I'm writing this because I am gobsmacked, infuriated, and revolted by the complete lapse of common decency and respect for humanity exhibited on John Gibson's FoxNews radio show broadcast this morning regarding Heath Ledger. You can hear his comments here.
It's bad enough that we have the absolute nutcases at the Westboro Baptist Church--google them if you don't know who/what they are, because I won't dignify them by posting links--planning to picket Heath Ledger's memorial services for his involvement in Brokeback Mountain. It's disgusting, but expected. I've read so much about Westboro since their "big break" picketing Mathew Shepard's funeral that I tend to just roll my eyes and move on with my life.
But frankly, I find John Gibson more troubling. Because here is a supposedly respectable member of the normal human race--not a collection of deranged religious psychopaths--and one of FoxNews's "fair and balanced" "journalists" openly mocking Heath Ledger's death, using the now infamous 'I wish I knew how to quit you' sound bite from Brokeback Mountain as a punchline, then proceeding to call Ledger a "weirdo" for saying that he thinks about his death because he now has more than just himself to be concerned with (since having a child), and then suggesting that he probably had a big stake in the stock market and Tuesday's huge plunge caused him to throw in the towel. This from a person who, incidentally, professes to be a Christian and hence, by extension, compassionate.
I don't expect Gibson to care that Heath Ledger's dead--hell, I didn't know the guy and neither did most of the people rending their garments about the whole thing, so I can understand a certain non-chalance on the part of a commentator. But I would think that a "journalist" would be able to exhibit some modicum of decorum and not openly mock the death of a human being--a human being who has left behind parents, siblings, friends and, most importantly, a daughter. Yeah, sounds like comedy gold to me. It makes one wonder whether Mr. Gibson has ever experienced a loss of his own. If not, I hope--with full recognition of the sort of karma I'm putting out in the universe--that he experiences one soon, so that he can learn to have some fucking respect.
And I'm serious when I suggest that you SEND A COMPLAINT. Will it do any good? Most likely not. Complaints and petitions seem to only work when they're signed by Conservatives about the "real issues" like saying mean things about religious people. FoxNews wi'll probably just laugh it off and, most likely, characterize Gibson's remarks as 'free speech.' Which is perfectly valid.
But if free speech dictates that someone like Gibson should be able to mock the death of a human being and not be held to any sort of journalistic standards, then I'd like a rebroadcast of the Madonna concert with the full discoball-crucifix number included, since that was cut out because of petitions for respect and decency by Right Wing gay-for-Jesus retards. I'd also like a replay of Janet Jackson's tit on the Super Bowl, and I'd like it in slow motion since I was opening a beer and missed it the first time. I'd also like the exorbitant "indecency" fines that the FCC levies on TV networks for "indecency" to be rolled back to their pre-Janet's-tit levels, another thing put in place because of petitioning for respect and decency by Right Wing gay-for-Jesus retards. And, I'd like for unbridled criticism and mockery of Christianity and Jesus Christ to be allowed to fly about the airwaves with nary a complaint. And finally, I'd like to go on national, live television and wave my genitals at the camera. We have free speech in this country, so I think it's only a fair trade-off. All I want are the rights afforded me by the Constitution.
But I've veered off topic again. The point is: FoxNews has exhibited, time and time again, an absolute and total lack of accountability. They've built a news empire on the idea that they are "fair and balanced," that they are more truthful than the supposed 'Liberal media', and are constantly railing against the suggestion that those on the Right are nothing more than benighted, heartless bigots.
Well, if it walks like a duck, and quacks like a duck...
So email: comments@foxnews.com if you give a flying fuck.
If not, then whatever. Carry on with watching the latest clips on TMZ. After all, they're just celebrities. Not real people.
What a shame. He would have had an amazing career ahead of him, judging from films like 'Monster's Ball' and 'Brokeback Mountain.' Such fantastic performances in those movies. It really is too bad.
Here's hoping the best for his family and friends.
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