The Gospel According to John

Should Win/Will Win: Best Actress Edition

And the nominees are:

• Sandra Bullock in A Dior Sunglasses Ad from the September 1992 Issue of Town & Country
• Dame Helen of Mirren in Helen Get Your Gun
• Carey Mulligan in SERIOUSLY STOP READING THIS AND GO SEE THIS MOVIE RIGHT NOW
• Gabourey Sidibe in I Secretly Fantasize She Comes Over Each Week to Watch Glee and Eat Pizza Rolls
• Chicken Wings McGee in Yet Another Mediocre Movie that Would Have Been Insufferable Without Meryl Streep

And the Oscar SHOULD go to...

Should Win/Will Win: Best Supporting Actor Edition

And the nominees are:

• Maaaaaaatt Daaaaaamon in This Movie Was Criminally Boring So Let's Look at This Photo of Matt Damon as That Tortured Gay Closeted Quarterback You Were In Love With in High School
• Some Crazy Dude About to Eat Your Face in Literally NONE Persons Saw This Movie Even Though It's Reputed to be V Good
• Summertime Santa Claus in Ibid
• TOOOOOOCH! in Bishplz
• Christoph Waltz in Sie möchten ein Teil dieser, Schweine-Hund? Bringen. Zuerst habe ich den Kopf werden in mit diesem Telefon zu zerchlagen, dann werde ich breche diese Flasche und schneiden Sie ein Narr, und dann gehe ich meine Oscar sammeln which is German for You Want Some of This, Bitch? Bring It. First I'll Smash Your Head In With This Telephone, Then I'll Break Off This Bottle and Cut a Fool, and Then I'll Go Collect My Oscar
  

And the Oscar should go to...

Should Win/Will Win: Best Supporting Actress Edition

And the nominees are:

                                     

                                                                                                                                                     

• Penelope Cruz in Marion Cotillard Should Be Here in My Place
• Vera Farmiga in I Was a Robot Businesswoman
• Maggie Gyllenhaal in The Fact That There Are No Stills of Me From This Film And We've Had to Use One From Secretary Is Instructive
• Anna Kendrick in Really? 
• Mo'Nique in Ain't None a Y'all Bitchez Has A Chance in Hell

And the Oscar should go to...

Anna Wintour: America's Sweetheart

Have you seen The September Issue, the behind-the-scenes sort-of documentary about the inner workings of Vogue? If not, you need to do so immediately, as it is RIVETING. Not simply because you get to see plenty of lasers of doom shooting from Anna Wintour’s eyes and more Andre Leon Talley balaclavas than you can count, but also because it is seriously fascinating in its own right. It’s like the nonfiction companion piece to The Devil Wears Prada. There’s even a vaguely similar scene to the one where Meryl cries to he Hathaway about her crumbling marriage, where we see some tiny hairline cracks of vulnerability in A-Dubs’s frozen-solid demeanor.

 

Anyway, I digress. A new deleted scene has just been released, and it is funny. And of course, it ostensibly serves to further underline the thesis that A-Dubs is an evil, soul-crushing fashion world Maleficent. But I’m not so sure I buy that narrative. I think she might actually be kind of nice. Not only because of the evidence in this clip, but also because OHMYGOD I FUCKING HAD A CONVERSATION WITH HER IN STARBUCKS TWO WEEKS AGO OHMYGOD!!!!!111!!!!

Happy Valentine's Day

Fuck fancy dinners, fuck diamonds, fuck fucking. This Valentine's Day, all I want is this:

A diamond may be forever, but it's not Beaker singing "Dust in the Wind." I think I've made my point.

A Bit of Catch-Up

Here are some truly gorgeous items that I've been holding onto for a bit because I haven't had time to post them.

First up: Stars Royals--They're Just Like Us!

Very Important Announcement To Be Marked Upon Your Calendar--UPDATED AGAIN!

 (T/F: This photograph is terrifying.)

***UPDATED AGAIN!: Aforementioned technical difficulties have been rectified! Partially! Meaning that I have to watch TV Guide Channel's red carpet coverage instead of E!'s. But let's be real: watching celebrities dodge the silicone trainwreck that is Velisaraptor is so much more entertaining than watching them dodge Ryan Seacrest. 

Anyway, the important this is: I'll be live blogging AND Tweeting these Academy Awards, and there is sure to be tomfoolery, shenannigans AND ballyhoo in equal measure, from roughly 5:00 PM till whenever the show ends in Avatarian tragedy. (JK. I don't think it'll win. UNLESS IT DOES.) 

So log on and tune in and...stuff. K bye!

Parsing the Golden Globulars: Fashion Edition, Book Three: Pretty Pretty Princess

There are plenty of choices for Pretty Pretty Princess. I feel Jayma Mays deserves a mention. Also, Olivia Wilde. Toni Collette. Emily Blunt.

But all those bitches can suck it. Because without a doubt, the best dressed was

Monica Gellar.

Yes, yes, I can hear you all bellowing "the fuck?" and "bitch please", but that just serves to underline your ignorance. You should really take the time to get all the facts before you make a judgment like this. Nobody has short-listed this as "Best Dressed", and they do so at their peril. Why? Because this dress is the creation of a designer whose inspiration is divine, the handiwork of the Creator, the stitchery of the universe's seamstress.

Who created this dress?

Gallic Treasures and Sick 90s Beats

Bless you, internet. This shit right here is about to blow your mind. 

Let's take a trip back in time to middle school. My middle school, which was a million years ago, not some of YOUR middle school, which was like 5 minutes ago. *frantically applies undereye cream, weeps, reapplies undereye cream* Specifically, French class with Madame Wolk. Madame Wolk was one of the fancy French teachers that lived in France for a while and went back several times a year. And on one of those occasions, she introduced us to Jordy, the world's youngest #1 recording artist. He was 4 years old at the time.

Here, you will find his seminal #1 hit, "Dur Dur d'Etre Bebe" which is French for, "It's Very Very Hard Being a Baby." Ain't it the truth.

Presented Without Comment

Okay maybe one comment, and that comment is, "Don't break my neck, dahling."

That is all.