The Gospel According to John

Just Fucking Vote, Okay?

Oh my God, how was your Halloween?! Was it totally fierce? Was your costume totes hot? Did you get totally effed in both an alcoholic and sexual way?! Best Halloween ever, right?! SQUEAL!

Anyway,

No seriously though.

Kids, you have a job to do tomorrow. Do it. You will most likely be making history if you participate. Doesn't that sound fun? I know right? History was totes boring in high school, but when YOU'RE the one making it, it's supes fun. No, for reals.

And in preparation for tomorrow, I'd like to share with you a few important pieces of information.

A: I know it's wrong to be "judgey" or whatever, but I'm sorry, the simple truth of the matter is that if you don't vote, you're a shitty person and a fucking TERRIBLE American and I think you're a giant turd.

And that's the truth.

B: Just because you live in a state that is guaranteed to go to a certain candidate DOES NOT MEAN YOUR VOTE DOESN'T MATTER. I live in New York. New York would go Democratic if Satan was the candidate and Manson was his running mate. It's a done deal. But there's this thing called a 'mandate' (look it up), which means that the Prez will have a much easier time getting all the ballyhoo he spouted about in his campaign speeches to actually turn into true blue political chicanery that we will spend four years bitching about.

This is partly how George Bush has so successfully raped this country in the anus.

So just fucking vote, okay? Please.

So. Now that we've gotten that out of the way, here are few helpful hints for tomorrow.

1--CHECK TO MAKE SURE YOU'RE REGISTERED

You can do so here. V important, this.

2--KNOW YOUR POLLING PLACE

Go here to find out yours. This is probably even more v important than #1, and should probably BE #1, except I'm too lazy to cut and paste this mess.

3--KNOW YOUR STATE'S ID REQUIREMENTS

 

Please look at this map (click to enlarge) and find your state. If you can't find your state on this map, you're mentally retarded, and you should ignore point A above and STAY THE FUCK HOME. FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS GOOD AND HOLY, DO NOT VOTE IF YOU CANNOT FIND YOUR STATE ON THIS MAP.

However, if you cannot find your state, but you feel you must vote because I called you a giant turd, then ask a neighbor where your state is and follow the other steps above. However--this is a VERY important point--the US Consitution stipulates that if you cannot find your state on a map without assistance, you are ONLY qualified to vote for the Democratic candidate.

Look it up. S'true.

4--DO NOT VOTE STRAIGHT TICKET.

For serious you guys. That shit is a whooooole mess of possible ignunce. Go here for more info. Because, here's the thing: different states have different rules about straight-ticket voting. In some states, you must STILL punch a vote for Prez even if you straight-ticket that bitch. In others, this will be considered "double voting" and your Prez vote won't count. In still others, they're throw out your WHOLE BALLOT.

It's a trainwreck waiting to happen. Punch all those candidates individually. It'll take a few extra minutes, sure. Don't be so fucking lazy. That's why your ass is so huge. God.

5--KNOW YOUR VOTING RIGHTS AND DEMAND THAT THEY BE HONORED.

And if anyone tries to fuck with you, call 866.OUR.VOTE for information on your rights and how to proceed at the polling place. Also, make a detailed record of the problem--where, when, what, etc. Names, people, names are key.

K, storytime: Check out that map again. Find Michigan. It's the one shaped like a mitten.

Notice the rules for identification in the mitten-shaped state with lots of lakes. And yet, in 2000, I was barred from voting for not having identification bearing an address that matched the address of my registration--which was a college dormitory. Which can't be put on an ID.

Tricky, innit? Now if I had known my rights, I could have raised hell and demanded I be allowed to vote. Along with THOUSANDS of other college students who were purged from the 2000 vote--which, you may remember, was STOLEN from Al Gore. (Yes it was, Republicans. The accuracy of the preliminary Florida vote could never be established, and the recount was not allowed to be finished. All of this is public record. So shut the fuck up.)

YOU HAVE RIGHTS, and just because some "official" tells you something, doesn't make it true and doesn't mean you must obey. YOU ARE A FUCKING AMERICAN, GODDAMMIT.

6--VOTE EARLY

Drag your ass outta bed as early as you can and get that shit taken care of. There is going to be all-time-record voter turnout this time--even bigger than 20004--and the lines are going to get reeeeeeally long as the day wears on, particularly for those of you who don't live in inner cities where there are a gazillion polling places. In 2004, I waited over an hour, and I lived on the north side of Chicago where you can't scratch your balls without knocking them into a polling place. GO EARLY. Again, don't be so fucking lazy. That's why your thighs chafe when you walk. God.

And if you go early, you can kill time by rewarding yourself with a big, greasy, bacony breakfast before work. Doesn't that sound fun? See, it all works out, fat-ass!

7--ELECTRONIC VOTING MACHINES ARE SOME TRIFLIN' BULLSHIT!

Seriously, if you are unfortunate enough to be in a state that has electronic voting machines, God be with you. They suck. Hard. Please, they can't even count Oprah's vote correctly!

So be very, very careful. Pay attention. Make sure your selections are registered and correct. If the machine has a paper back up, check it, or ask to see it.

And remember: YOU ARE ENTITLED TO REQUEST A PAPER BALLOT INSTEAD OF VOTING ELECTRONICALLY.

8--DRINK A LOT WHILE YOU WATCH THE RETURNS

Personally, I plan to be fucking shitfaced. Fucking SHITFACED. I will be boozing with a small group of well-chosen comrades, most likely at a party (one of many) given by The Onion (ooooOOOOoooooh!). Following this, I will be watching them paint the electoral map on the ice rink at Rockefeller Center, then walking to Times Square to drunkenly bellow at the jumbotrons with Wolf Blitzer's stupid fat bearded face on them saying totally asinine and in no way relevant things like "Barack Obama is winning swing states like an old lady playing canasta at a country club on fire because a little boy was playing with matches in the locker room while trying to light the candles on a birthday cake shaped like Dennis Franz." Or something equally dumb.

Those of you in Chicago are SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. FUCKING. LUCKY. because Y'ALL get to go to Grant Park and scream and holler like TWO FEET from Barry O himself. I'm way jealous. Send me pictures and if they're not blurry because you're so shit-canned, I'll put them up on this totally glamorous site no one reads! Squeal!

If you don't live in New York or Chicago and live somewhere totally stupid, like LA or something fucktarded like that, you're on your own. You'll have to watch them on TV or something. But you should still get shit-canned at your local tavern anyway, both to celebrate the election AND to pacify the pain of living somewhere stupid like LA.

9--BUT BEFORE YOU DO THAT, VOTE FOR BARACK OBAMA

Seriously, don't be a douchebag. This is the easiest political decision you're likely to face in your entire LIFE. Make the right one.

Finally, in closing, I'd like to make a deal with you: If you all agree to be good little kidlets and do your duty and not fuck it up by being retarded, lazy douchebags, I vow to go, in the wee hours of November 5, to the all-night Starbucks at 61st and Columbus, blow $10 on a T-Mobile pass, and compose an election-themed blog post while positively soaked--SOAKED, I tell you--in liquor.

Do me--and your country--proud.

Further reading and sources include: this one and that one.

Oh. Also, here's a blurry photo I took of a truck full of voting machines.

Cake or Death?

So okay.

Since we last talked politics, our national political dramas have turned into an episode of the new 90210 you guys, complete with ludicrous storylines and piss-poor acting. But sadly no Brenda Walsh.

Sigh.

Firstly, our economy has all but collapsed. Most people don’t even understand what happened, and what’s most disturbing is that the contingent that clearly has no idea what’s going on INCLUDES A LOT OF POLITICIANS.

You can guess which ones in particular don’t seem to get it.

Anyway, so the economy collapsed, but John McCain kept telling us that everything was fine right up until the last possible moment when even Pres. Bush was like “Oh noes! The economy ain’t right y’all!”

Anyway, so then John McCain—cuz he’s such a “maverick” and is all about “Country First” and stuff—decided that, gosh, it’s just plum innappropes to continue a campaign to run for the leader of the free world in the face of an economic crisis! So he’s decided to suspend his campaign in order to fix our money problems.

Do you think if he had won in 2000, when 9/11 happened, he would have been all like “Woah! Hold up wait a minute y’alls! I need a quick fiver. I’ll get back to you.”

“But Mr. President, people are jumping to their deaths from 90th-floor windows and the FBI or ATF or whatevs just defused like 45 car bombs at LAX and the Pentagon’s on fire and a plane just crashed in a field in Pennsylvania and we’re pretty sure it was headed for the White House and a bunch of envelopes full of anthrax just showed up in Tom Brokaw’s office and whatnot.”

“I know, but just, you know, just give me a second. I just need a minute to breathe, you know? It’s a lot.”

So anyway, McCain took time away from campaigning to fix the economy, because a man who told the New York Times, “the issue of economics is not something I’ve understood as well as I should” is gonna have LOTS of insight into how to set it straight.

I wonder if McCain could even SPELL the phrase “collateralized debt options,” let alone explain it.

Anyway, so McCain also decided that taking part in today’s debate is also deeply inappropriate at this time of crisis, so he bailed on Obama, fully expecting him to follow suit. Instead, Obamms was basically like, “Fuck that noise. Now it’ll just be a Town Hall where I take over the CNN airwaves for two hours and run my mouth answering questions and talking myself up while you spend your time ostensibly ‘fixing’ what you ‘don’t understand as well as you should.’ Laterzzzzz.” Because he’s not a mentally retarded jackass.

Not that the conservatives won’t paint that as being self-serving and elitist or sexist or Muslim or terrorist or overly black or racist or something.

But, don’t worry, because, nevermind! JK! McCain’s reconsidered and he’ll debate Obama after all, tonight at 9. EVEN THOUGH THE SOLUTION TO THE ECONOMIC CRISIS IS NOW AT A STANDSTILL, which I’ll get to in a moment.

Anyway. McCain DID follow through with pulling out of a couple of commitments. Because he was SOOOOOOOOOO busy fixing what HE ADMITTEDLY DOESN’T EVEN UNDERSTAND, he also couldn’t appear on Late Night with David Letterman.

Now, y’all know Dave’s a good-natured Indiana guy who just likes to have a good time. So you KNOW that when DAVID FUCKING LETTERMAN rakes someone over the coals, they’re reeeeeeeeeeally being an asshole. Here’s Dave’s two cents on McCain Wednesday night—the best part starting around the 1:05 mark:

In fact, Letterman is SO irritated with McCain, he felt the need to re-rake him over the coals last night:

Meanwhile, McCain and Sarah Palin went to the UN summit with all the world leaders, but no press or reporters were allowed to ask questions or film Sarah Palin. Which is technically not even legal—that whole freedom of the press thing—but more importantly is STUPID. As if the reporters AREN’T GOING TO REPORT that you wouldn’t let them talk to the woman running for vice president? Seriously?

Luckily, though, Sarah Palin actually had the poor judgment to go on TV again—this time with Katie Couric—and submit herself to another interview. Because apparently the Charlie Gibson one didn’t make her look like enough of a fool. She needed another shot.

One imagines that Katie was granted an interview for the same reason Charlie Gibson was—she’s usually a perky, sweet, softball interviewer. Not this time. Woo!

Highlights:

If you want to see Katie’s full interview, you can go here and then here.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Congress met up yesterday to devise a plan for how to deal with the economic fallout.

Now listen to me very carefully, because certain media voices—particularly those on the right—are already triangulating and obscuring the truth here. The truth is the following:

Those meeting at the White House—both Republicans and Democrats—had come up with a plan that was all set to go, and had actually reached a near consensus, because, as you might imagine, everyone’s just trying to get this sewn up so that we can just get it the fuck over with before the economy explodes and we’re all standing in bread lines.

However…

John McCain suddenly decided that he has an opinion about the whole issue he “doesn’t understand as well as he should,” and threw a monkey wrench into the proceedings.

For you, you realize. He’s doing this FOR YOU, cuz he loves you—YES YOU—soooooo much that he’s willing to derail the solution to the biggest dilemma to face our nation since 9/11 and the biggest economic collapse since the Great Depression that nearly everyone but him was already okay with. Including the President, who was basically all, “Hey Grandpa. Shut up, we don’t have time to fuck around. This bitch is fixin’ to blow!” And for once, Bush is in the right.

Because what’s REALLY going on here, see, is that McCain wants to be the hero. If he pulls this off he’s an American hero all over again.

Such a patriot. Such a maverick.

Well now here it is, Friday. Washington Mutual has officially been taken over by Chase, in the biggest bank failure in history—IN HISTORY. Like, EVER.

The markets are about to close for the week, and Wall Street is expecting a bloodbath that will continue on Monday.

 And we STILL don’t have a solution. Why?

Because now the House Republicans—those blaming the stalled bailout on the Democrats—are hemming and hawing because they think this bailout will turn America into a Socialist country.

Which, frankly, it sort of will to a degree. After all, what is Socialism if not government ownership of a country’s economy?

But that’s not the point. WE HAVE NO RECOURSE. It’s either take the bailout, or let our economy collapse. Surely they know this, right?

Yep, they do. They’re only stalling in an effort to save the Republican Party from a PR nightmare, wherein the pro-America, pro–free-market Party actually signs off on Socialism. Here’s an article that details the whole thing, complete with lovely little chestnuts from top Republicans who say they’d rather plunge us into Great Depression 2.0 than make political sacrifice. Charming, isn’t it? Isn’t their patriotism inspiring?

So yeah, that’s pretty much it.

So I was thinking. Does anyone else find it sort of funny, sort of cock-your-head-inquisitively-and-purse-your-lips-and-say-“hmm,” that the Party constantly accusing the Democrats of being Socialists and that has pursued eight years of aggressive economic policy to prevent us becoming Socialists have in so doing left us in a pickle where our choices are depression or Socialism?

Anyone find that kind of “huh…”?

And does anyone find that this smacks a bit of the part of Eddie Izzard’s “Cake or death?” routine where the Church of England tells everyone it’s run out of cake and now the only choice is “or death”?

Huh. Who knew the Party of patriots would end up preferring “or death”? Gosh, and you think you know a bunch of greedy, fascist, moralizing windbags.

Un-news

Bitch, please. Do you feel that earthquake? That's what happens when the entire universe yawns at the same time.

Anyone wanna take bets on how long it takes for the Claymates of the world to unite and storm People's offices with pipe bombs and bayonets?

Anyone? I'm putting down $100 that it will happen by the end of the day. Seriously. Everyone in People's offices will be dead by close of business. Trust.

It will be ugly. It will be exactly like medieval war. The Claymates will descend upon the offices, they will ransack everything, pilfer and plunder, rape and pillage, and then torch whatever's left standing. Then they will run out of the building as quickly as their tapered khakis and Keds can carry them and start firing shots into the streets of Columbus Circle.

Then, they will mount the statue in the middle of Columbus Circle and start shooting indiscriminately into the windows of the Time Warner Center. A riot will ensue. The Claymates will begin pistol-whipping anyone who dares challenge them.

The melee will migrate uptown into the Upper West Side and downtown into Times Square, frightening tourists. They will torch all Broadway shows in retaliation for the press's insinuations about Clay while he performed in Spamalot. Chaos will take hold of New York from 42nd Street up to, I'll estimate, 86th Street west of the Park.

The National Guard will be dispatched from the Middle East to attempt to control them, but to no avail. They will begin at the Time Warner Center nexus of the uprising. But the strategic abilities of a group of repressed soccer moms should never be underestimated. They will migrate into Central Park, and the uprising will turn into all out war. The wooded areas and hiking trails will be used as hiding places where Claymates will lie in wait. Guerrilla warfare will take hold as the Claymates climb trees and tuck into caves and hurl gas-soaked tampons at the National Guard troops. Plumes of smoke and the booms of explosions will ring out from the Park for days.

Sarah Palin will make a speech on television appealing to the maternal instincts of these women, and will attempt to appeal to their sympathies by saying, "We all know that the only difference between a Claymate and a pit bull is lipstick." Cheers will go up from the crowd, as world leaders attempt to start a new meme to calm down the uprising. But out of nowhere, a Claymate, having disguised herself in sensible pants suit and American flag lapel pin, will launch forth from the ranks, foaming at the mouth, and will bite Palin's jugular while the CNN cameras air it all. Pandemonium will erupt.

Finally, realizing the desperation gripping the city, and now the country, Laura Bush will hold a secret meeting in private with the world's leading women to decide how to handle these enraged soccer moms. George and Dick will try to barge in, but Laura will go apeshit and will say, very calmly, "George, I love you with all my heart, but you're a fucking moron and if you so much as say one word you will never get to do boom-boom in my hoo-hoo ever again. Am I understood?" George will back down and when Dick tries to push it, George will shank him. Laura's hoo-hoo has super-powers and is not to be toyed with.

After Laura's emergency women's summit, in one last desperate effort, Hillary Clinton, under heavy armor, will be dispatched to Columbus Circle, with Michelle Obama accompanying her just in case sisters need to throw the fuck down. Cindy McCain will be taken to Bloomingdale's to shop so that she stays distracted and pretty. Hillary will make a speech, appealing to the better instincts of the Claymates, attempting to inspire them to greatness.

It will fail. Nothing--not even Michelle Obama, who will yell "Oh FUCK TO THE NO!" when a Claymate hurls a molitov cocktail at Hillary and be at the ready to knock some bitches back in line, will be any match for the ire of the Claymates.

But little do the Claymates know that in her left hand, Hillary will hold a tiny device, no bigger than a dime, and if and when it is squeezed, a signal will go out to Central Command. She will scream at Michelle over the din, "Michelle, TAKE. MY. HAND!" and Michelle and Hillary will clasp hands as tightly as if life depended on it--which it does. The device will send out its signal, Secret Service will appear from nowhere to drag Hillary and Michelle into the subway to safety, and a full airborne military convoy will swoop in on planes and carpet-bomb Central Park. It will be exactly like the ending of Cloverfield.

So, yeah. I've got $100 on the above scenario. Who's in?

Oh hell to the no...

As you all know, I’ve laid off the politics for several months. But today, someone went and did something so ridiculous and so disingenuous, that I am now duty-bound to officially break my political silence.

That someone is Barack Obama.

Imagine it. I’m sitting at my desk, being a good little editor, and I decide to take a quick break to rest my eyes. So, I log into my junk email account for a moment to see what’s going on with the Men’s Health Fitness Tips (that I never use), discounted Broadway theatre tickets, and who’s blowing who on the porn site I cancelled years ago (because who pays for porn anymore?). And, of course, amidst all these disparate blurbs, is the latest goings-on over at my beloved HuffingtonPost.com

Imagine my surprise when I see this greeting me in my inbox:

And so I clicked, hoping I was either on glue, or hash, or opium, or had gone temporarily batshi* crazy, or was dreaming, or hallucinating, or had slipped into a parallel dimension, or was having an out of body experience. But then the email opened, and I saw this:

Excuse me?

In case you’re not up on what President Dipfuc* has been up to the past eight years, so-called “faith-based initiatives” are Dipfuc*’s clever scheme to funnel social service money—federal social service money, as in your tax dollars—to religious organizations and charities. Which is, you know…more or less illegal. That whole pesky church/state separation thing. Not to mention discrimination. And the reulting lawsuits when, say, I get fired from my job at the YMCA for bringing my boyfriend to the office Christmas party. 

Yes, I’m hyperbolizing. And, to be fair, there are already regulations about that sort of discrimination in place in the current incarnation of the plan, and there would be in Obama’s extension as well. But the point remains the same: Giving federal money to religious groups—regardless of how that money will be used—is opening a can of worms and swinging the doors wide open for discrimination—both real and implied. Regulations or no.

But all of this is irrelevant. Because the REAL issue here?

Everyone open up your calendars and note the date. Because I think we have all officially witnessed Obama’s first certifiable, undeniable ploy to kiss Conservative ass and cravenly tongue the taint of swing voters—which, in case you’ve been sleeping for the past year, is the opposite of what Obama’s about.

Or so we’ve been told.

Now don’t get me wrong. I’m not so naïve as to think that Obama can continue to ride all the way to Pennsylvania Avenue on the feel-good wave he’s been surfing for the past year. But there’s buttering up the center, and then there’s sycophantism at the expense of your base—no, fuc* the base; at the expense of VICTORY. 

I don’t doubt that Obama is a “man of faith” like he claims to be, and that’s fine. But his party? Well, most of us are pretty damn comfortable keeping religion as faaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaar away from politics and government as possible, thanks very much. Why? Well there are many reasons, but the biggest one is because IT’S THE RIGHT THING TO DO.

So what in the ever-loving hell is he doing? Well it’s perfectly simple: he’s attempting to move to the center to court the swing voters. After all, it worked like magic for Bill Clinton, didn’t it? And, really, for George W. and his “Conservative revolution.” I mean, what is “compassionate Conservatism,” that buzz-phrase from the 2000 election, if not centrist conservatism?

The problem with this is: IT DOESN’T WORK FOR DEMOCRATS.

Have we learned nothing from:

• Al Gore in 2000? (Granted, he actually DID win. But in the end, not by enough of a margin to make a federal court case deciding a thrown election in favor of the bad guy seem too fuc*ing ludicrous to swallow.)
• John Kerry in 2004? Who played so hard to the center and tried so hard to seduce the swingers that he ended up standing for nothing? And got his ass handed to him in November? Because the all-important centrists were duped into a lather about gay marriage, terrorism, and Kerry not being shot at enough in Vietnam?

And the best example of all…

• Hillary Clinton? Whose constant pandering blew up—rather spectacularly—in her face, time and time again? Whose sycophantic eyelash-batting--not to mention crying--at the swing voters served only to make Obama seem all the more genuine?

 WHAT IN THE HELL IS HE DOING?

Arianna Huffington—who's even more rabidly pro-Obama than I am—put it best today in her column “Memo to Obama: Moving to the Middle is for Losers”:

“Fixating on -- and pandering to -- this fickle crowd is all about messaging tailored to avoid offending rather than to inspire and galvanize. And isn't galvanizing the electorate to demand fundamental change the raison d'etre of the Obama campaign in the first place? … Watering down that brand is the political equivalent of New Coke. Call it Obama Zero.” [Emphasis mine]

I couldn’t agree more. It was the fact that Obama stood for something that got him where he is today. Let's just hope that the centrists and undecideds are sufficiently stupid to just, oh you know, NOT NOTICE that he has made a 180.

I’ve been saying since the jump that I supported Obama for two reasons: first—because Hillary was too polarizing to win; but more importantly, secondly—because I had already seen what I considered to be Hillary’s true colors. I knew she was a fraud, all talk, before she ever announced she was running. One cursory look at her war record bore that out. Then her campaign got rolling and she proved it herself, time and time again.

But Obama? Well, he said he was a certain way, and I had no evidence to the contrary. He might, just maybe, turn out to be who he said he was. It was a gamble, but it was a gamble worth taking. Sure, he'd probably end up being just another charlatan like the rest of them. But worst case scenario? He turns out to be a charlatan, he wins, and we end up with a Democratic charlatan in the White House instead of a Bush-legacy Republican charlatan. Good enough.

And it still is--he's still a hell of a lot better than McCain. And sadly, in America, it seems to become more and more hubristic, naive, and pie-in-the-sky to hope for anything better than "good enough." 

But for a moment, it seemed like maybe this time would be different. Maybe we'd get better than "good enough." Maybe we'd get someone that we could really get behind, someone we could actually believe in. Maybe we'd have not just the lesser of two evils, but someone who wasn't all that particularly evil at all. I was really hoping that things would, for once, not be so cynical.

And coming from a cynic like me? That’s saying a lot.

More on Obama's decision here

If only he could have been the REAL George W. Bush

Our long national nightmare (that of W's presidency) is about to be committed to film by good ol' Oliver Stone, with Brand Walsh from 'Goonies'  Hotty McSexypants  God I'm jealous of Diane Lane Josh Brolin set to star as the president in question. I think he's a good choice; I just watched In the Valley of Elah this weekend, and he plays an arrogant police chief that won't listen to anyone but himself, and does so with a certain swagger that makes him look like an idiot. I think it'll be perfect.

Also starring will be:

Elizabeth Banks--love her. You know who she is. Beth, the girl who works at Barnes & Noble in The 40-year-old Virgin; the girl in Seabiscuit; one of the womenses romancing Ryan Reynolds (lucky bi*ch) in Definitely Maybe (which I definitely maybe absolutely probably want to see and then tell no one that I did). You know, this one:

--as Laura Bush.

James Cromwell (the farmer in Babe, Mrs. Fisher's batshi* second husband on Six Feet Under) will play George Bush Sr.

Jeffrey Wright (only the most brilliant actor ever from Basquiat and the HBO movie of Angels in America [his reading of the line 'Your problem is that you're so full of shi* when you open your mouth you attract flies' is so deliciously vitriolic it still gives me goosebumps] and, apparently, from Casino Royale though I wouldn't know because I've never seen a Bond movie and SHUT UP I don't CARE...except I might see the next one just to ogle Daniel Craig...but wait. Nope. Still don't care) as Colin Powell.

Robert Duvall is in talks to play Dick Cheney, which would be a PERFECT choice.

And Ellen Burstyn will play Barbara Bush (the old racist granny, not Jenna's twin).

WHAT. A CAST. And the 2010 Oscar for at least one acting category goes to...

 

The film will be called W and, in the words of Entertainment Weekly "aims to explain how Bush 43 went from being a hard-partying college student to the most powerful man in the world." Yes please. I demand an explanation.

Stone says he wants to make an honest profile of the man, but you can bet dollars to donuts this movie is gonna start some SHI*. Part of the movie's studio pitch describes it thusly:

"'W' is the improbable story of a man who went to the White House despite getting fewer votes than his opponent; who became commander-in-chief despite having avoided military combat himself; and who became the least popular president ever elected to a second term. 'W' will shock and surprise you and leave you questioning everything you believe to be true."

I don't know about that last bit. I already believe all of that to be true, so I don't know that I'll be challenged or surprised. Probably just angry. But still. *rubs hands together in anticipation of good ol' fashioned raking over the coals of blithering idiot fascist war criminal*

Hear that? That's the sound of Bill O'Reilly and Ann Coulter gearing up to start spewing their mental retardation about this movie in, say, 9 months' time.

Source

P.S.: Former college classmates: Remember when Oliver Stone came to speak to the theatre department, and that crazy woman stood up to complain that Platoon has always made her feel cheated because she was a nurse in Vietnam and the movie didn't focus on nurses at all and so it didn't tell her story and didn't speak to her? And when he didn't know how to respond--because, frankly, WHO THE HELL CARES--she just re-stated the same thing and basically scolded him for not "telling her story"? Remember that? That was awesome.

Enough of them to hear it clearly...

Our fair President, Mr. George Walker Bush, threw out the ceremonial first pitch for the Washington whosy-whats-its baseball team. And got boo'd.

Yep. Boo'd. Hurrah! I wonder...do you suppose he has any concept of what a failure he is? And if so, does he care? Or is he oblivious? Or is he fully clued in but couldn't care less because all his shady dealings in the long run will just end up lining his coffers quite handsomely and so it's all a wash? I wonder...

Also, given Cheney's recent "So?" response when informed that the overwhelming majority of Americans--like 3/4 of us--think the Iraq war is a bit of a bungle, he probably couldn't give less of a shi*. Oh well.

Anyway, watch the vid. Granted, there's a hell of a lot more cheering going on, but enough booing to be clearly audible.

*Giggles with glee*

I'm no authority on baseball, but it seemed like a pretty good pitch to me. Not as good as THIS first pitch though, at the 3:30 mark. 

I think it's pretty clear which pitch is superior.

It's Time to Do Your Part

 

Hello dear readers.

I'm under the weather today and would prefer to remain buried under the covers with a cough drop in my mouth. However, I wanted to take a short moment to urge all of you to GET OUT AND VOTE TOMORROW.

Like I said last week--to my knowledge, the only states represented by the readers of this blog who DO NOT have a Primary tomorrow are Michigan and Washington. The rest of you have voting to do between 7 a.m. and 7 p.m. tomorrow. If you don't know where you're supposed to go, a simple Google search for 'polling place' will provide you with more than enough information. GET OUT THE VOTE. Take responsibility for your country and your own life. We have so little power anymore over what happens in our nation. Exercise what tiny shreds of influence remain in your hands.

I'd also like to say a quick word about the candidates. I won't bother with the Republican side; I don't think that there are any Republicans who even read this blog in the first place so why bother. I'll let it suffice to say that if you are planning on voting for a Republican candidate tomorrow...Well, you're living in a Republican America right now, and that is an America that is in the midst of a bungled Iraq, is quickly becoming the laughing stock of the rest of the world, and is in the throes of an economic meltdown. If you vote Republican...well, you'll frankly get exactly what you're asking for. Which is more of the same.

For the Democrats reading: I urge you to choose Barack Obama. When it comes to the issues, there is little difference between Hillary and Barack. Both are focused on ending the nightmare of the Iraq War; both are energized to do all they can to turn around the economic tailspin in which our country is daily becoming more embroiled; both take sensible stances on immigration; both are pro-Choice; both are in favor of gay rights.

But where the two candidates differ--most importantly, anyway--is their ability to get the job done. I don't mean that one is more inept than the other. I have no doubts about either's intelligence, competence, or knowledge of the Constitution, government and law. Rather, the difference lies in their ability to collaborate with the other side of the aisle.

Being "ready on day one" as Hillary is so fond of repeating ad nauseum only works when your opponents are willing to work with you. And frankly, readers, the Right loathes Hillary Clinton. It's that simple. The Clintons have become the gold standard in the Right's eyes for Liberal amoralism and Socialist waste. And if we allow her to be our candidate, our goose, frankly is cooked. Remember 2004? Remember how Bush won by a land-slide because of terrorism anxiety and gay marriage? Remember how that got Republicans out to the polls in droves?

Well, put Hillary Clinton on the ballot and watch what happens. There simply isn't a more galvanizing candidate for the Right than Hillary Clinton.

John McCain is in the lead for the nomination of the Republican party. He is, by far, the most sensible and centrist choice for the Republicans. He's the most liberal of the three by far. His campaign comeback, his race to the top of the Republican heap, will either be a feather in our hat or a shot in our foot. What makes the choice between those two options?

WHO WE NOMINATE FOR THE DEMOCRATIC CANDIDACY.

Many hard-right Republicans--in fact, MOST hard-right Republicans--are deeply opposed to John McCain. Centrist and right-leaning Independents don't particularly care for him either. Read the blogs, the papers, those writing into the op/ed sections of our newspapers and news networks with their opinions and you will quickly see that John McCain is anything but a Republican golden boy. But the next thing you'll notice is that despite the bad taste McCain leaves in many of the Right's mouths, they would rather vote for him than Hillary Clinton.

But not so with Obama. If the blogs and the commentators and the op/eds and the polls--and yes, we've discussed at length on this blog the inaccuracy of the polls--are to be believed, the centrists and right-leaning Independents see Obama as a better choice than McCain.

So there you have it: We nominate Obama, and McCain's nomination becomes a feather in our hat. We nominate Hillary, and it's a bullet to the head. It's that simple.

No force is more unifying for the Right than the Clintons, and the first Clinton administration was characterized by constant Left/Right, Democrat/Republican, Liberal/Conservative bickering. That divisiveness multiplied 1,000-fold during George W. Bush's eight years. And where has that gotten us? What has that division along party lines accomplished in our nation? The very spirit of our democratic process has degraded to the point that most of us consider it an affront, a shocking and offensive lapse of judgment, when we find out a close friend of ours, or a co-worker we've always liked, or a sibling to whom we've always been close pulls for the party we don't. Our mouths drop open is disgusted disbelief as we wonder "How in the hell can so-and-so be a Republican/Democrat?!?!" Republican and Democrat have ceased to be simple differences in economic philosophy like the days of yore. They have become poignant identifiers of a person's worth and value as a human being.

That spirit is bad for America, bad for Democracy and is the antithesis of what our country, our government and our process is supposed to be about. And regardless of her intentions, Hillary Clinton, by very nature of being Hillary Clinton, will keep that little juggernaut right on ticking.

All of this is clear as day and splashed around in the news on a continuous loop. And yet, many people remain convinced that Hillary is the better choice. Part of this seems to be about feminism--Hillary is the "women's candidate." But any feminist worth her salt should be able to see that a woman who has no qualms about playing directly into the hands of the sexists and misogynists by crying on national television for her own political gain is clearly a feminist only in self-appellation and certainly not in practice.

But the main reason people seem to give for choosing Clinton over Obama is her comparative wealth of governmental experience. I can understand the sentiment. But it's absolutely irrelevant. All those years of experience Hillary has are negated by the following (and this is but one example):

• Her original 'for' vote for the war in Iraq

• Her failure to read the National Intelligence Estimate--the brief, provided to everyone in Congress prior to the war vote, that outlined the FACTS about Iraq, its ties to Al-Qaeda (zero) and its efforts to manufacture so-called Weapons of Mass Destruction (non-existent)--before casting that vote.

• Her repeated votes, despite recanting her original decision on Iraq and making that recant public, to re-finance the war, extend the time-frame of the war, and to extend more unilateral power to George Bush for the war.

Years and years of government experience weren't enough to keep her from making these incredibly irresponsible, ill-advised and counter-intuitive decisions. 

So how can they mean that she's better equipped to lead than Obama?

Regardless of who you decide to pull for, I once again urge you to simply take 20 minutes out of your day and make your voice heard. Your country is in deep distress. It needs you.

The President said some stuff and the candidates for his replacement have responded

The three Democratic candidates have all issued responses to Bush's dumb clusterfuc* of a speech last night.

Obama filmed his:

If you prefer, a transcript of Obama's is available here.

Hillary's can be read here.

And John Edwards's painfully inept response can be read here.   

The President gave a speech or something...

 

From The Gospel According to John politics desk:

President Bush delivered his State of the Union address last night, the final address of his Presidency and an outline of his plans for the closing months of what has been a dynamic eight-year term. In a poignant contrast to previous State of the Unions, nobody gave a flying fuc*.

In case you missed the Address and don't want to read the whole thing at the NY Times link above, this is what I gleaned between trips to the kitchen for cups of peppermint tea and when I occasionally glanced up from the episode of '30 Rock' I was watching online:

• Yahoo! Iraq! Fuc* yeah! Suck it, Democrats!

• WOO!!! Did y'all see Pelosi glare at me when I brought up Iraq?! BOY is that bit*h pissed, huh?! WOO I LOVE MY JOB Y'ALL!!! WOOOO!!! SUCK MY BALLS PELOSI!! YEAH!! Also, you're suit is ugly and ill-fitting.

• Yep, 8 years later, I'm still talking about school vouchers. Because the ej-uh-cay-shun of little dark-skinned poor kids is near and dear to my heart y'all. No child left behind and stuff. Woo!

• Y'all, there is NOTHING WRONG with the 'conomy. There ain't a recession a-comin'! If y'all would just calm down and quit whinin' like a bunch a pus*y ass bitc*es and keep buyin' shi* like it was your job, everything'd be FINE. NOW SUCK MY NU*SACK AND GO BUY SOME MORE SHI* YA DON'T NEED! THAT'S WHAT KEEPS THE 'CONOMY GOIN' YA DUMBSHI*S!

• Dirty wetback Mexx-y-cann-ohs coming into America to clean rich peoples' houses are still, in case y'all''ve been wondering, the single greatest threat to homeland security and so me and my boys are still working to build some giant fence and/or wall and/or an electrified moat filled with rabid pirahna at the border because, you know, if Carmelita gets to come over to nanny Tea Leoni's baby then THE TERRORISTS WILL BE NEXT.

• Here's my completely retarded plan for overhauling healthcare which SOUNDS like it'll make it easier but will really make it worse and still keeps it in the hands of corporations and that has been working really well up until now and I have a BIG THROBBIN' BONE for corporate America so YAYYYY!!

• Did y'all see the look on that cun* Hillary's face when I started talkin' about health care?! WOO!!! I LOVE MY JOB!!! MUNCH MY AS* RODHAM!! FUC* YEAH!

• No seriously y'all, Global Warming is really an issue, and we need to fix this NOW, and we can only fix Global Warming if ALL NATIONS join together, even though I have been totally opposed to previous efforts proposed TEN YEARS AGO by other nations until about 5 minutes ago because I wanna be the one to solve it so SUCK IT FAG*OTY FAIRY AS* EUROPEAN NATIONS AND ALSO GAY ASS JAPAN! YEEE-HAW BITC*ES!!!

• We need to find alternative energy like yesterday y'all, for real, which is why I've been giving blow jobs to the corn lobby and set up this whole ethanol thing, which isn't a feasible idea and has succeeded in accomplishing nothing except raising food prices all over the world and is way too little way too late and I should have listened years ago when folks were saying that we needed alternative energy but I was too busy bombing Baghdad so SUCK IT BITC*ES!!

• Oh, and speaking of which: IRAQ YAYYYY WOOOO YEAH MOTHER FUC*ERS IRAQIS CAN SUCK THIS TEXAN SAUSAGE JIHAD THIS FAG*OTS!!!

• God bless America

George W. Bush, patron of the arts

Oh y'all. Our Prez is such an endless fount of entertainment!

W. has talked extensively about his love for a painting by W.H.D. Koerner, entitled 'A Charge to Keep,' for its depiction of missionaries-on-horseback or somesuch who worked to spread Methodism--Bush's faith--in the 1800's. You can see the painting below:

 

He has such a boner for it that he named his own book after it, as he sees himself as having 'a charge to keep.' Or something.

Whatever. So take a gander at that there painting. Would you guess horse-mounted missionaries? Cuz I'm gonna go with probably not. This is based solely on speculation stemming from the fact that our Equestrian For Jesus up there looks awfully distressed, right? And those guys riding up the hill behind him aren't looking like they've just been washed in the blood of the lamb, do they? Rather, they appear mightily pissed.

Perplexing, no?

Well, it's actually quite simple. The reason for this is that the painting has absolutely nothing to with Methodist missionaries.

Harper's reports that an author, Jacob Weisberg, who's written a book about Jorge, researched the background of the painting and discovered that it is actually of:

ahem.

"a smooth-talking horse thief who is caught, and then escapes a lynch mob."

Bwah! Ha ha! Woooo!

Ooooooof course  that's your favorite painting, Georgie. Why wouldn't it be?