The Gospel According to John

Another Bit of Catch-Up

A few terrific things on these interwebs that you should be aware of.

+Okay, this one's not from the intertubes, but it's terrific. The latest print edition of TV Guide's logline for the Matthew Perry/Salma Hayek movie Fools Rush In: "A New York WASP marries a feisty, pregnant Latina." Oh DEAR. (Thanks, Deidre)

+This needs to become a thing, in the way that Dorks Dressing Up as Frankenfurter and Going to See Rocky Horror at Midnight is. I've never understood the big deal with Rocky Horror Picture Show is, but regular nostalgic audience participation viewings of Troop Beverly Hills? THAT is a different thing entirely, and it is a thing that we need, as a culture, and as a planet. That is all. 

+So the voiceover actress that played the girl with Down's Syndrome on that episode of Family Guy (which wasn't funny, not because it was offensive, but simply because it wasn't funny) that has Sarah Palin crying in her coffee because it's okay for Rush Limbaugh to make fun of retarded people but not other folks? Well, she has Down's Syndrome for real, thinks the Family Guy bit was just a joke so just fucking lighten up already, and, best of all, totally played Corky's girlfriend Amanda on Life Goes On. Comebacks!

+I am conflicted about this. It's mostly bullshit but he's got a point but what a bloviating windbag but still kind of? See, conflicted!

+James Cameron, the director of Toddlenator, Babliens, Toddlenator 2, The Babyss, and Titaby, has finally finished his seminal masterpiece that will change Hollywood forever: Bavatar. Oscar, please.

+Speaking of movies, so many of them are racist!

+Wait. Remember Hole? Were they always this terrible and we were too enamored of grunge to notice?

+YES. Maybe SNL will actually be funny for once. Do you suppose, though, that even with her hosting if it's still as ploddingly unfunny as it has been lately that it will be the straw the breaks the camel's back and, like, the Earth will shift off its axis or something?

+Here is a McDonald's value meal made of Legos.

*curtsies*

A Bit of Catch-Up

Here are some truly gorgeous items that I've been holding onto for a bit because I haven't had time to post them.

First up: Stars Royals--They're Just Like Us!

Thank you, dear graffito

Here in New York, even subway vandals sometimes have helpful insights.

This will be the affirmation I repeat the next time I'm overwhelmed by Never/Rarely/When We Feel Like It train angst.

And speaking of the subway...

This is pretty dope.

Here in New York, there's a group called Improv Everywhere. You may have heard of them, because they always cause a bit of a stir. They do large-scale, public acts of 'improv' around the city here. That video you may have seen a few months back of all the businesspeople in Grand Central Station stopping in their tracks and freezing for a moment or two? That was Improv Everywhere. They have a great website here

Their most recent outing was done on the subway. They organized several pairs of identical twins, dressed them in matching outfits, and had them all sit side-by-side on the benches of a subway car, with their twin sitting across from them on the other side--creating a "human mirror." Of course, regular Average Joes subsequently got on the train, not realizing what was going on. Their reactions are fascinating (and, incidentally, the point of each Improv Everywhere exercise). Here's a clip:

Pretty cool, huh? Reminds me of stupid theatre school, where they would make us do that partnering exercise in acting class where you'd have to "mirror" each other--it was supposed to teach you to concentrate with your fellow actor and "connect" or whatever. It was one of those exercises where we were like "This is fuc*ing stupid," until we got a little bit into it and realized we were TOTALLY synchronized and not even trying--it was all just by locking on each other's eyes. Pretty fascinating what we humans are capable of, huh?

PS--At the Improv Everywhere site, make sure you check out the Food Court Musical. It will change your life.

Oh hell. I'll just embed it:

Netflix as anthropology?

So Netflix has this new feature which a dork like me finds endlessly fascinating. You put in your--or anyone's--zip code, and Netflix shows you the top 25 most-rented Netflix DVDs in that area.

It's pretty wild. For instance, why are people in my corner of Astoria, NY so interested in a PBS documentary about the Jonestown Massacre? And I thought only I and like four other people in America knew about the Canadian TV show "Slings and Arrows"?

Interestingly, the top 25 definitely seem to follow along neighborhood stereotype lines. The blogger who discovered this function, Joshua Stein, lives in Williamsburg, Brooklyn, which is an enclave that USED to be filled with the hipsters who have been pushed out of Lower Manhattan by high rents, but has now devolved into an enclave of insufferable media and music types with plenty of money who like to PRETEND they're still hipsters, even though they're paying $1400 for the privilege of renting a studio or $1,000,000 for the privilege of buying a brownstone away from the "rampant corporate materialism" of Manhattan and walking the streets unencumbered with the rest of their white belt and ironic fedora-wearing ilk. (Hipsters everywhere just scoffed and said "Please, white belts and fedoras are so fuc*ing bourgeois. We haven't worn that since, like, '04. Travis, grab me an ironic Pabst Blue Ribbon, and Kat, hand me my iPod with giant DJ headphones so I can drown this retard out with my Architecture in Helsinki and ironic Dusty Springfield mega-mix")

ANYWAY. So to sum up: Williamsburg, insufferable hipsters. Their top 5, as reported by Stein, starts with, in the #1 spot, some French film from 1962 called 'La Jetee' that--don't even try it--NO ONE has ever heard of. In second place, we have 'The Holy Mountain,' some Spanish film from 1974 that--don't even try it--NO ONE has ever heard of. Third is Antonioni's 1966 'Blow Up,' which is actually a really important piece of film history that--don't even try it--many have heard of (it's in my queue, but only out of a sense of duty) but NOBODY except pretentious film buffs has ever seen. #4 is the Spike Lee joint 'Do the Right Thing' (ooooOOOOoooh! Ironic! A tale of urban conflict! So off the grid! Impressive!) and #5 is--whaaa?--Steven Soderbergh's random George Clooney-starring stinkbomb 'Solaris.' I don't know either.

But the point is, insufferable hipster-wannabes rent exactly what you'd think they would: pretentious foreign films nobody but themselves knows or cares about, edgy independents that speak to their sense of daddy-funded gentrified ghetto urban angst and, well, random Steven Soderbergh stinkbombs.

Contrast with my nabe filled with--well, Greek people, but apart from that, musical theatre nerds. You know, the sorts of queens who do nothing but sing showtunes and the chubby girls that love them (God, I can't wait to get out of this hood), where the #1 spot goes to 'Slings and Arrows,' the aforementioned Canadian television show about the behind-the-scenes workings of a Shakespeare repertory company. Gay! Nerd!

Or what about my mother's neighborhood in Scottsdale, filled with aging Republican retirees living in Southwest-decorated condos? Well, they're REEEEALLY into '3:10 to Yuma,' but also 'Snow Falling on Cedars'--huh? why? it's from a million years ago! and awful!--and 'The Life of David Gale,'--again, huh? why? it's from a million years ago! and awful! The theme here, of course, is Westerns, followed by bad, reeeeeeeeally out-of-date movies that the old-timers are just NOW catching on to.

It's uncanny, this little tool. Do your own research here. It's great fun.

Source via Gawker

So. hot. *moans, touches self*

I meant to provide you all with this over the weekend, but got overly busy. But you really must indulge. It is the hottest thing you'll ever see.

And by hot, I mean disturbing. And by disturbing, I mean awesome.

Isabella Rossellini has teamed with the Sundance Channel to make a series of...educational?...videos detailing the way insects mate. The series is called "Green Porno." It's hot. And weird.

Funny or Die had the whole series, but they've been removed. But the good news is, Sundance Channel has them all on their website.

Here's a promo, to get your juices flowing (eew! You love it):

When you're done touching yourself, go to the Sundance Channel to see the full-length stuff in all its totally hot glory. The Earthworm one is particularly good. Have a towel ready.

Oh get over it! Sophomoric masturbation jokes are fuc*ing funny.

This is the greatest thing I have ever seen

Well it has turned out to be QUITE the day here at 'Gospel' HQ. Good Lord, things are flying all over the place and it complete disarray, and yours truly has NONE idea how to handle it all.

However. Sometimes, just when you need them, the baby Jesus--or, perhaps, Posh, in her inimitable omnipotent benevolence--sends you a perfect ray of celestial peace to calm your weary soul.

Like, for instance, this, which is the realization of a dream I have harbored close to my heart for most of my adulthood, that two examples of perfection would meld into one specimen of pure, unadulterated harmony.

Roll it:

Say what you will about California...

This is really amazing. You've probably heard by now, but California overturned its state constitutional ban on gay marriage. And while the new law may not last long--it will most likely be on the California ballot in November--for now, things are looking pretty good for the homosexual gays of California.

And one in particular, homosexual gay lesbian Ellen DeGeneres, things are looking particularly festive:

Hooray for Ellen and Portia! Seriously, how touching was it to see them both all teary-eyed? I've always loved the DeGeneres, and I have to give her tons of credit for announcing it on air. I don't watch Ellen's show often, but it seems like for the most part, her homosexual gay lesbianosity is usually only slyly alluded to, if at all--which is not a criticism, simply an observation. For her to announce with pride on her television show that she intends to marry her girlfriend so that even people like my Bible-thumping stepmother (who loves Ellen's show) can hear I think is pretty awesome. It's cheesy and cliche, but I really think that when a celebrity of Ellen's nature--one who is able to cross all sorts of demographic lines and appeal to everyone--can represent a cause and an idea like this, it really does have an effect on those who might not be as comfortable with homosexual gays and their homosexual gay "lifestyle."

I'm going to send them a salad spinner and a set of steak knives.

More on the CA decision here and here

Impressionable 9-yr-olds ruin EVERYTHING

Subcategory: More reasons to move to England.

England has a new online video game called "Miss Bimbo," and I need to find a way to play it immediately because it is AWESOME.

In "Miss Bimbo," players are given their very own digital bimbo which they must take care of (much like those ridiculous Tamagatchis back in the day. Remember those? Those were fuc*ing stupid. I remember kids in school having them and them beeping in class because they needed to be fed, and it made me hate them even more than I already did because that is fuc*ing STUPID. What is entertaining about an electronic tchochke that beeps at you all the time demanding shi*?). The bimbo can be entered into beauty contests to win money for things like implants, crash diets, outfits and nights out clubbing. Players compete against each other to make "the coolest, richest and most famous bimbo in the whole world."

Do you see now why I need this?

But of course, the irony is being completely obscured because it's primarily 9-yr-olds playing, and parents and watchdogs and people-who-comment-on-things-like-this-for-a-living are all worked into a lather and want the site closed amid fears that little girls will play the game to live vicariously, leading to eating disorders and the like.

I, as usual, have a better idea, which is this: how about these girls' retarded parents pay attention to what the hell their kids are up to and not allow them to use the website if they're concerned? How about that, rather than  shutting down a site that I guarantee you is meant to be--and is--funny? But I guess that's far too sensible.

Anyway, that's all. I just thought you needed to know. Also, doesn't the concept vaguely remind you of this?:

Source

March Madness!!! (but with a twist, see...)

I've never understood March Madness. Ever. I don't really understand hhhhhhhhwhat the fuss is all about. Why doesn't college basketball (that's the one with dribbling and a net perched high in front of a piece of glass and very tall black men) just have Bowl games like football (the one with lots of kicking men tarted up in lots of fiberglass running across a big swath of grass, and also Brady Quinn) to decide their championship (the one where someone is crowned the absolute end-all be-all winner)?

Even more perplexing is the bracket system. It is beyond me. I've never understood it. I can win the living hell out of an Oscar pool, but I wouldn't never even LOOK AT a March Madness bracket. I swear to God, that mess gives me an anxiety attack. In my head, alarms starting going off with flashing red lights and National Guardsmen yelling "CODE BLUE! CODE BLUE!". I start sweating and shaking and all I can think in my head is "Sports teams! Arranged in odd geometric configurations! I don't know how to play sports! I failed geometry in 10th grade! FUUUUUUUUUC*!!!!!!!" and then I collapse, usually into a pool of my own sick.

Until today.

For my soulmates (they don't know it yet, but they will one day) the Fug Girls, have come up with an ingenious March Madness for the rest of us. By which I mean, mainly, homosexual gays, and the women who love them, most of whom--let's be frank--probably had a relatively firm grasp on March Madness already, long before the Fug Girls made it more intellectually accessible for homosexual gays like me. Straight girls aren't as handicapped by sports as handicapped-by-sports-homosexual-gays are, because they need to know a bit about sports to score (wocka wocka!) with straight boys.

Speaking of (straight girls, that is, not scoring with straight boys), I also must give credit to dearest friend and "Gospel" reader, Miss Abigail S.C. (she's double last-named, that one. Landed gentry and all that) of Chicago, IL, for explaining to me, via Instant Message from her office high atop a very sparkly skyscraper in Chicago's Loop (that's the part with lots of very sparkly skyscrapers) the workings of March Madness brackets. Though, to be fair, I sense she hadn't the first clue how they worked either and just Wikipedia'd that shi*.

 

Anyway. Drum roll please.

It's....

(wait for it)....

FUG MADNESS!!!!

That's right, Fug Madness, where the most egregious fashion offenders in Hollywood go head-to-head to find out just WHO is the most sartorially offensive. The Fug Girls have created very special brackets and you--yes YOU!--will get to vote on who wins each tourney. That's right. You--yes YOU!--can help decide who is the most truly heinous (my money's on Blohan, but you didn't hear it from me).

And the brackets are (follow the links to see the contenders in each bracket):

The Cher Bracket

The Madonna Bracket

The Bjork Bracket

The Charo Bracket

Rules and printable ballots brackets (sorry, forgot this wasn't an awards-show pool) will be available Monday, and voting begins Tuesday.

Exciting! Ahh, the thrill of college sports!

(For the record, I DO know a little about sports. Football, mostly. I'm totally butch you guys. Seriously. *Snorts mucous into throat, spits, grabs martini, thinks twice, swaps it for Budweiser* For real.)