The Gospel According to John

URGENT BULLETIN

It has come to my attention that some persons in my close circle have not yet been made aware of the jaw-dropping, outer-limits inanity that is Lindsay Lohan's Fornarina commercial. 

It direly important that if the phrase "Lindsay Lohan's Fornarina commercial" does not stir recognition in your brain, and rather incites you to say, "What in the ever-loving hell is a Fornarina?", that you watch this immediately. It's old news--I figured you all knew about it by now so I didn't bother--but the ever-savvy Miss Kate was ignorant of its...its...whatever-I-don't-even-know that I felt the need to make absolutely certain that it has reached everyone possible.

Again, I cannot underestimate the expediency with which you must watch this video if you haven't already. It trumps the Samantha Ronson/Lindsay Lohan BLB--that's Big Lesbian Breakup--it trumps Lindsay's recent appearance in that faux eHarmony ad, it trumps the financial crisis, it trumps human rights in Darfur, it trumps everything.

So, without further ado (until, of course, the video's done, and we point and laugh), and also partly in honor of the fact that Lindsay is appearing on Ellen today:

If your daughter cardiac arrests in a nightclub once, shame on you...

And speaking of Dina Lohan...

From Tracey Ullman's new Showtime series "State of the Union"

Recognizing you have a problem is the first step to recovery

Maybe this is the first chapter of a comeback for Blohan?

Thoughts:

#1: This is the closest to an apology for the incessant leggings we're going to get, and I'll take it.

#2: The next step is getting rid of that bloodsucking mother of hers. Jettisoning Dina is VITAL.

#3: The hair is good.

And at least she has a sense of humor. Also, she's in that new movie 'Chapter 27' wherein Jared Leto plays the psycho that shot John Lennon, and it looks really good.

Please, who am I kidding. Once a trainwreck, always a trainwreck. But at least maybe now she won't be in the press all the time acting like an as*hole, because I can't take it anymore.

And for the record, I do NOT read TMZ. I got the video from another blog, but I don't remember which one because it was two days ago. So suck my balls.

The most brilliant thing EVER...

 

In a stroke of sheer, unadulterated brilliance, Michael Musto of The Village Voice has recreated Lindsay Lohan's recreation of Marilyn Monroe's last photo shoot. It might be the most brilliant stab at an idiotic celebrity Musto's ever done. And that's saying a lot, since he's built a career on celebrity satire.

On his inspiration for recreating the recreation, Musto had this to say:

    "Anxious to share my desperate man-tits with an audience beyond Chelsea, I gleefully agreed to star in     an homage to an homage: Musto as Lohan as Marilyn. That's three generations of loveliness...Just like     with Marilyn and Lindsay, people have always grabbed at me, wanting a piece of my piece and a slice     of my soul, but usually with more pepperoni and less cheese. Well, this time, I was seizing the power     back by saying: "My bits are only mine to give. Now here they are, world. Take it all!"

You can see the rest of Musto's cheeeeeeeeeeenius photo shoot  here, and read his equally cheenius article about just why LINDSAY FUC*ING LOHAN recreating the shoot in the first place is so fuc*ing ludicrous here. It's full of bon mots like the following brilliance from Paris Hilton:

Actually, wait a second. I'm sorry, you're gonna want a moment to prepare. I suggest you take a quick pee before reading this.

Ready?

No, seriously. Did you pee first?

Okay.

Ahem.

Ladies and gentlemen, Miss Paris Hilton on Marilyn Monroe:

    "I love Marilyn, and I was definitely channeling her while doing The Hottie and the Nottie."

I don't really think there's anything further to say. The quote--and Paris--speaks for itself.

Yes.

You can't imagine

I've just been to Borders, and it's so much worse in person. Next time you're out and about, pick up a copy of New York Mag at your local bookseller. I suggest going on an empty stomach.

You really can't imagine.

I'm sorry, WHAT?

Note: Photobucket seems to be on a censorship kick today. If the pictures in this post have vanished, go here or here for pics from more reputable media who can afford to pay for their shi*.

Lindsay Lohan--LINDSAY LOHAN--was chosen to recreate Marilyn Monroe's infamous final photo shoot for the fashion issue of New York Magazine. LINDSAY FUC*ING LOHAN. Read about it here if you care enough to bother.

LINDSAY FUC*ING LOHAN.

Who the fuc*, when searching for an ersatz-Marilyn Monroe, thinks Lindsay Lohan?! Are you kidding me? I'm not even a Marilyn devotee and I find this offensive! What's next? Tara Reid as Jackie Kennedy? Kimberly Stewart as Princess Diana? Paris Hilton as Grace fuc*ing Kelly?! Give me a fuc*ing break!

LINDSAY GODDAM* SHI**ING MOTHER FUC*ING CRAPPING PISSING AS*HOLING SON-OF-A-BIT*HING SODDING BLOODY LOHAN.

Agog. I am agog.

And speaking of cracked-out, coke whore, be-legginged dumbshi* hacks, here's one of the shots:

Just SCREAMS Marilyn, doesn't it? If by 'Marilyn,' you mean prematurely aged gin-soaked syphilis-ridden old French whore who spent 5 hours soaking her hair in battery acid before frying it under the heating element of my oven set to 'broil,' of course. Gross.

I love NY Magazine, but wow. Have they ever made a misstep here. I mean, COME ON, seriously! Who takes a rock ho lookin' hack like Blohan, puts her in some BUSTED wig, and decides to fashion her in the image of a fuc*ing ICON like MARILYN MONROE?!?! There are at least a thousand better choices. Like how about ScarJo for instance? Yes, she's mildly retarded, but she's PRETTY for one thing, and buxom like Marilyn and doesn't look like she just stumbled drooling from a fuc*ing CRACK HOUSE. I mean come on! In fact, fuc* ScarJo--ANYONE would be better! How about my 62-year-old mother?! Or my 5'2" 100-lb. olive-skinned brunette sister-in-law?! Fuc* it! How about ME for fuc*'s sake! Just fuc*ing ANYONE other than the shi**ing wanking arseholing Blohan!!! I mean, my God I've run out of emphatic expletives to the point that I've resorted to Britishisms I have no business using! I mean, my God! I just..I can't. I really, REALLY can't.

Anyway. To make it all the sweeter, Lindsay also had some really brilliant things to say about Marilyn and her drug-related death: how it reminded her of Heath Ledger, how she didn't understand why the entertainment industry had such adverse negative effects on so many stars (I mean, SERIOUSLY WHO THE FUC* IS SHE KIDDING?!?!?!) and how preposterous she thought it was that anyone would suggest that she might end up with the same fate.

Yes, you're reading this correctly. This from the fuc*tard who has been to rehab three times in like, the last hour, keeps bashing her car into things while she drives drunk, went on a coke-addled automobile rampage in which she stalked her former assistant, and is constantly being caught wearing "other peoples' pants" which just "happen" to contain something that may or may not (but certainly IS) cocaine.

She's gross. I used to love her a little, but she's gross and an idiot. I miss 'Mean Girls' Blohan. That Blohan was kind of cute and fun.

I mean...