The Gospel According to John

Debilitating, Humiliating, Nauseating Whiteness

We white folks can just be so...white, you know? I mean, I should know. I'm almost the whitest person I've ever met. And I have a debilitating case of white guilt that comes from being a liberal who hails from the most racist place in the universe. No, not Apartheid-era South Africa. Detroit.

So fine. But this Kyra Phillips woman...WOW. 

She and my boyfriend, TJ Holmes (swooooooon) were discussing "swagga." For those of you who are even whiter than me, that's Black African American slang for "swagger." Obama has it, cuz, as my boyfriend TJ pointed out, "That's a brotha."

S'true! Barry does have a bit of the swagga swagger (I can't. I feel too lame even trying. Even if only in print), no? And no other president ever did, right? NO, NOT EVEN CLINTON, SO DON'T EVEN SAY IT.

But this swagger--or, at least, the discussion of it--makes some of us very uncomfortable. Because black people might be listening!

The Midnight Ride of Barack Obama

You may have heard, but…there’s a new sheriff in town!

By ‘sheriff’, of course, I mean President. Wee and hurrah! And as some of you know, I—yes, I—was there to see it happen. Jjjjjjealoussssss?

Just Fucking Vote, Okay?

Oh my God, how was your Halloween?! Was it totally fierce? Was your costume totes hot? Did you get totally effed in both an alcoholic and sexual way?! Best Halloween ever, right?! SQUEAL!

Anyway,

No seriously though.

Kids, you have a job to do tomorrow. Do it. You will most likely be making history if you participate. Doesn't that sound fun? I know right? History was totes boring in high school, but when YOU'RE the one making it, it's supes fun. No, for reals.

And in preparation for tomorrow, I'd like to share with you a few important pieces of information.

A: I know it's wrong to be "judgey" or whatever, but I'm sorry, the simple truth of the matter is that if you don't vote, you're a shitty person and a fucking TERRIBLE American and I think you're a giant turd.

And that's the truth.

B: Just because you live in a state that is guaranteed to go to a certain candidate DOES NOT MEAN YOUR VOTE DOESN'T MATTER. I live in New York. New York would go Democratic if Satan was the candidate and Manson was his running mate. It's a done deal. But there's this thing called a 'mandate' (look it up), which means that the Prez will have a much easier time getting all the ballyhoo he spouted about in his campaign speeches to actually turn into true blue political chicanery that we will spend four years bitching about.

This is partly how George Bush has so successfully raped this country in the anus.

So just fucking vote, okay? Please.

So. Now that we've gotten that out of the way, here are few helpful hints for tomorrow.

1--CHECK TO MAKE SURE YOU'RE REGISTERED

You can do so here. V important, this.

2--KNOW YOUR POLLING PLACE

Go here to find out yours. This is probably even more v important than #1, and should probably BE #1, except I'm too lazy to cut and paste this mess.

3--KNOW YOUR STATE'S ID REQUIREMENTS

 

Please look at this map (click to enlarge) and find your state. If you can't find your state on this map, you're mentally retarded, and you should ignore point A above and STAY THE FUCK HOME. FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS GOOD AND HOLY, DO NOT VOTE IF YOU CANNOT FIND YOUR STATE ON THIS MAP.

However, if you cannot find your state, but you feel you must vote because I called you a giant turd, then ask a neighbor where your state is and follow the other steps above. However--this is a VERY important point--the US Consitution stipulates that if you cannot find your state on a map without assistance, you are ONLY qualified to vote for the Democratic candidate.

Look it up. S'true.

4--DO NOT VOTE STRAIGHT TICKET.

For serious you guys. That shit is a whooooole mess of possible ignunce. Go here for more info. Because, here's the thing: different states have different rules about straight-ticket voting. In some states, you must STILL punch a vote for Prez even if you straight-ticket that bitch. In others, this will be considered "double voting" and your Prez vote won't count. In still others, they're throw out your WHOLE BALLOT.

It's a trainwreck waiting to happen. Punch all those candidates individually. It'll take a few extra minutes, sure. Don't be so fucking lazy. That's why your ass is so huge. God.

5--KNOW YOUR VOTING RIGHTS AND DEMAND THAT THEY BE HONORED.

And if anyone tries to fuck with you, call 866.OUR.VOTE for information on your rights and how to proceed at the polling place. Also, make a detailed record of the problem--where, when, what, etc. Names, people, names are key.

K, storytime: Check out that map again. Find Michigan. It's the one shaped like a mitten.

Notice the rules for identification in the mitten-shaped state with lots of lakes. And yet, in 2000, I was barred from voting for not having identification bearing an address that matched the address of my registration--which was a college dormitory. Which can't be put on an ID.

Tricky, innit? Now if I had known my rights, I could have raised hell and demanded I be allowed to vote. Along with THOUSANDS of other college students who were purged from the 2000 vote--which, you may remember, was STOLEN from Al Gore. (Yes it was, Republicans. The accuracy of the preliminary Florida vote could never be established, and the recount was not allowed to be finished. All of this is public record. So shut the fuck up.)

YOU HAVE RIGHTS, and just because some "official" tells you something, doesn't make it true and doesn't mean you must obey. YOU ARE A FUCKING AMERICAN, GODDAMMIT.

6--VOTE EARLY

Drag your ass outta bed as early as you can and get that shit taken care of. There is going to be all-time-record voter turnout this time--even bigger than 20004--and the lines are going to get reeeeeeally long as the day wears on, particularly for those of you who don't live in inner cities where there are a gazillion polling places. In 2004, I waited over an hour, and I lived on the north side of Chicago where you can't scratch your balls without knocking them into a polling place. GO EARLY. Again, don't be so fucking lazy. That's why your thighs chafe when you walk. God.

And if you go early, you can kill time by rewarding yourself with a big, greasy, bacony breakfast before work. Doesn't that sound fun? See, it all works out, fat-ass!

7--ELECTRONIC VOTING MACHINES ARE SOME TRIFLIN' BULLSHIT!

Seriously, if you are unfortunate enough to be in a state that has electronic voting machines, God be with you. They suck. Hard. Please, they can't even count Oprah's vote correctly!

So be very, very careful. Pay attention. Make sure your selections are registered and correct. If the machine has a paper back up, check it, or ask to see it.

And remember: YOU ARE ENTITLED TO REQUEST A PAPER BALLOT INSTEAD OF VOTING ELECTRONICALLY.

8--DRINK A LOT WHILE YOU WATCH THE RETURNS

Personally, I plan to be fucking shitfaced. Fucking SHITFACED. I will be boozing with a small group of well-chosen comrades, most likely at a party (one of many) given by The Onion (ooooOOOOoooooh!). Following this, I will be watching them paint the electoral map on the ice rink at Rockefeller Center, then walking to Times Square to drunkenly bellow at the jumbotrons with Wolf Blitzer's stupid fat bearded face on them saying totally asinine and in no way relevant things like "Barack Obama is winning swing states like an old lady playing canasta at a country club on fire because a little boy was playing with matches in the locker room while trying to light the candles on a birthday cake shaped like Dennis Franz." Or something equally dumb.

Those of you in Chicago are SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. FUCKING. LUCKY. because Y'ALL get to go to Grant Park and scream and holler like TWO FEET from Barry O himself. I'm way jealous. Send me pictures and if they're not blurry because you're so shit-canned, I'll put them up on this totally glamorous site no one reads! Squeal!

If you don't live in New York or Chicago and live somewhere totally stupid, like LA or something fucktarded like that, you're on your own. You'll have to watch them on TV or something. But you should still get shit-canned at your local tavern anyway, both to celebrate the election AND to pacify the pain of living somewhere stupid like LA.

9--BUT BEFORE YOU DO THAT, VOTE FOR BARACK OBAMA

Seriously, don't be a douchebag. This is the easiest political decision you're likely to face in your entire LIFE. Make the right one.

Finally, in closing, I'd like to make a deal with you: If you all agree to be good little kidlets and do your duty and not fuck it up by being retarded, lazy douchebags, I vow to go, in the wee hours of November 5, to the all-night Starbucks at 61st and Columbus, blow $10 on a T-Mobile pass, and compose an election-themed blog post while positively soaked--SOAKED, I tell you--in liquor.

Do me--and your country--proud.

Further reading and sources include: this one and that one.

Oh. Also, here's a blurry photo I took of a truck full of voting machines.

Cake or Death?

So okay.

Since we last talked politics, our national political dramas have turned into an episode of the new 90210 you guys, complete with ludicrous storylines and piss-poor acting. But sadly no Brenda Walsh.

Sigh.

Firstly, our economy has all but collapsed. Most people don’t even understand what happened, and what’s most disturbing is that the contingent that clearly has no idea what’s going on INCLUDES A LOT OF POLITICIANS.

You can guess which ones in particular don’t seem to get it.

Anyway, so the economy collapsed, but John McCain kept telling us that everything was fine right up until the last possible moment when even Pres. Bush was like “Oh noes! The economy ain’t right y’all!”

Anyway, so then John McCain—cuz he’s such a “maverick” and is all about “Country First” and stuff—decided that, gosh, it’s just plum innappropes to continue a campaign to run for the leader of the free world in the face of an economic crisis! So he’s decided to suspend his campaign in order to fix our money problems.

Do you think if he had won in 2000, when 9/11 happened, he would have been all like “Woah! Hold up wait a minute y’alls! I need a quick fiver. I’ll get back to you.”

“But Mr. President, people are jumping to their deaths from 90th-floor windows and the FBI or ATF or whatevs just defused like 45 car bombs at LAX and the Pentagon’s on fire and a plane just crashed in a field in Pennsylvania and we’re pretty sure it was headed for the White House and a bunch of envelopes full of anthrax just showed up in Tom Brokaw’s office and whatnot.”

“I know, but just, you know, just give me a second. I just need a minute to breathe, you know? It’s a lot.”

So anyway, McCain took time away from campaigning to fix the economy, because a man who told the New York Times, “the issue of economics is not something I’ve understood as well as I should” is gonna have LOTS of insight into how to set it straight.

I wonder if McCain could even SPELL the phrase “collateralized debt options,” let alone explain it.

Anyway, so McCain also decided that taking part in today’s debate is also deeply inappropriate at this time of crisis, so he bailed on Obama, fully expecting him to follow suit. Instead, Obamms was basically like, “Fuck that noise. Now it’ll just be a Town Hall where I take over the CNN airwaves for two hours and run my mouth answering questions and talking myself up while you spend your time ostensibly ‘fixing’ what you ‘don’t understand as well as you should.’ Laterzzzzz.” Because he’s not a mentally retarded jackass.

Not that the conservatives won’t paint that as being self-serving and elitist or sexist or Muslim or terrorist or overly black or racist or something.

But, don’t worry, because, nevermind! JK! McCain’s reconsidered and he’ll debate Obama after all, tonight at 9. EVEN THOUGH THE SOLUTION TO THE ECONOMIC CRISIS IS NOW AT A STANDSTILL, which I’ll get to in a moment.

Anyway. McCain DID follow through with pulling out of a couple of commitments. Because he was SOOOOOOOOOO busy fixing what HE ADMITTEDLY DOESN’T EVEN UNDERSTAND, he also couldn’t appear on Late Night with David Letterman.

Now, y’all know Dave’s a good-natured Indiana guy who just likes to have a good time. So you KNOW that when DAVID FUCKING LETTERMAN rakes someone over the coals, they’re reeeeeeeeeeally being an asshole. Here’s Dave’s two cents on McCain Wednesday night—the best part starting around the 1:05 mark:

In fact, Letterman is SO irritated with McCain, he felt the need to re-rake him over the coals last night:

Meanwhile, McCain and Sarah Palin went to the UN summit with all the world leaders, but no press or reporters were allowed to ask questions or film Sarah Palin. Which is technically not even legal—that whole freedom of the press thing—but more importantly is STUPID. As if the reporters AREN’T GOING TO REPORT that you wouldn’t let them talk to the woman running for vice president? Seriously?

Luckily, though, Sarah Palin actually had the poor judgment to go on TV again—this time with Katie Couric—and submit herself to another interview. Because apparently the Charlie Gibson one didn’t make her look like enough of a fool. She needed another shot.

One imagines that Katie was granted an interview for the same reason Charlie Gibson was—she’s usually a perky, sweet, softball interviewer. Not this time. Woo!

Highlights:

If you want to see Katie’s full interview, you can go here and then here.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Congress met up yesterday to devise a plan for how to deal with the economic fallout.

Now listen to me very carefully, because certain media voices—particularly those on the right—are already triangulating and obscuring the truth here. The truth is the following:

Those meeting at the White House—both Republicans and Democrats—had come up with a plan that was all set to go, and had actually reached a near consensus, because, as you might imagine, everyone’s just trying to get this sewn up so that we can just get it the fuck over with before the economy explodes and we’re all standing in bread lines.

However…

John McCain suddenly decided that he has an opinion about the whole issue he “doesn’t understand as well as he should,” and threw a monkey wrench into the proceedings.

For you, you realize. He’s doing this FOR YOU, cuz he loves you—YES YOU—soooooo much that he’s willing to derail the solution to the biggest dilemma to face our nation since 9/11 and the biggest economic collapse since the Great Depression that nearly everyone but him was already okay with. Including the President, who was basically all, “Hey Grandpa. Shut up, we don’t have time to fuck around. This bitch is fixin’ to blow!” And for once, Bush is in the right.

Because what’s REALLY going on here, see, is that McCain wants to be the hero. If he pulls this off he’s an American hero all over again.

Such a patriot. Such a maverick.

Well now here it is, Friday. Washington Mutual has officially been taken over by Chase, in the biggest bank failure in history—IN HISTORY. Like, EVER.

The markets are about to close for the week, and Wall Street is expecting a bloodbath that will continue on Monday.

 And we STILL don’t have a solution. Why?

Because now the House Republicans—those blaming the stalled bailout on the Democrats—are hemming and hawing because they think this bailout will turn America into a Socialist country.

Which, frankly, it sort of will to a degree. After all, what is Socialism if not government ownership of a country’s economy?

But that’s not the point. WE HAVE NO RECOURSE. It’s either take the bailout, or let our economy collapse. Surely they know this, right?

Yep, they do. They’re only stalling in an effort to save the Republican Party from a PR nightmare, wherein the pro-America, pro–free-market Party actually signs off on Socialism. Here’s an article that details the whole thing, complete with lovely little chestnuts from top Republicans who say they’d rather plunge us into Great Depression 2.0 than make political sacrifice. Charming, isn’t it? Isn’t their patriotism inspiring?

So yeah, that’s pretty much it.

So I was thinking. Does anyone else find it sort of funny, sort of cock-your-head-inquisitively-and-purse-your-lips-and-say-“hmm,” that the Party constantly accusing the Democrats of being Socialists and that has pursued eight years of aggressive economic policy to prevent us becoming Socialists have in so doing left us in a pickle where our choices are depression or Socialism?

Anyone find that kind of “huh…”?

And does anyone find that this smacks a bit of the part of Eddie Izzard’s “Cake or death?” routine where the Church of England tells everyone it’s run out of cake and now the only choice is “or death”?

Huh. Who knew the Party of patriots would end up preferring “or death”? Gosh, and you think you know a bunch of greedy, fascist, moralizing windbags.

The Obligatory Political Post, Or: Thank God for Comedians or I’d Have to Go Bleed Out in a Warm Bath

Dear America:

You’re kidding right?

No seriously.

No, but for real.

No, no—really. Seriously.

No, but I’m serious here though. Just, for a second, be serious.

You’re kidding right?

Are you really falling for this woman? Because you seem to be. You seem to all think that she’s some kind of hero, some kind of straight-talking savior, and I’m just deeply, deeply confused as to where in the ever-loving hell you would get this idea.

Because, friends, this woman’s a fucking idiot.

I recently got into an argument in a coffee shop with a man—a lifelong East Coast Democrat—who said that he felt more comfortable voting for McCain now because Sarah Palin is more experienced than Barack Obama.

Hmm…right. Huh. Okay. Well. I guess that’s one way of looking at it. I mean, in actuality, I suppose I’m technically more experienced at yoga than some of my instructors. After all, I’ve been doing yoga since 2001, and one of my teachers has only been doing it for two years. Nevermind that I only do it like once a month and have enough of a gut that I can’t even do half the positions and have never successfully done a headstand in seven years and the fact that she’s certified and has done yoga every day since 2006. I’m still, if you think about it, more experienced.

Except that I’m not.

Personally, I tend to think that it’s not the NUMBER OF YEARS one has spent in politics but the CONTENT of those years that matters. I’m kind of funny that way, you know? I look at the fact that Sarah Palin’s resume includes being the mayor of a town of 7,000 people and the governor of a vast swath of tundra whose entire population is just a touch smaller than that of Lousiville, Kentucky’s, and then weigh it against two years’ service in the FEDERAL GOVERNMENT as a UNITED STATES SENATOR preceded by some 20 years working in local politics in THE THIRD LARGEST CITY IN AMERICA whose population outweighs that of the entire state of Alaska by roughly TWO MILLION PEOPLE, and I tend to come out on the side of the latter being more experienced when the task at hand is RUNNING THE MOST POWERFUL NATION IN THE WORLD.

But that’s just me.

But the real issue here isn’t even experience. It’s more about qualifications, you know? And when I consider the following “qualifications”:

*a checkered personal life that proves her to be a hypocrite
*a history of banning books from Alaska’s libraries
*being—or would be, if people gave enough of a shit to give a shit—embroiled in scandals about:
making Alaska’s rape victims pay for their own rape kits
having a state trooper fired for scorning her sister
leaving the tiny town of Wasilla with an enormous debt
accepting millions of dollars in earmarks despite claiming to be fiscally hawkish
and many, many more
*claiming to be a champion for mothers of disabled children despite planning to be vice president of the most powerful country in the world after giving birth to a disabled infant six months ago
*having recently been questioned about the Bush Doctrine and clearly having had NO IDEA WHAT IT IS (see above)
*thinking Vladimir Putin is still the #1 guy in charge of Russia (though I suppose I can give a pass for this, since this is in essence like scolding someone for saying Dick Cheney is the #1 guy in charge of the United States. He is in practice even if not on paper. Still. Points off.)
*pronouncing nuclear ‘nucular’
*I could go on but why bother

I tend think to myself “Hmm, I don’t know that this is the type of person I want to be ‘a heartbeat away from the Presidency’”—which she would be, by the way, since John McCain is 72 years old and in poor health already.

But again, that’s just me.

But you know? Maybe I’m going about this wrong. See, I’m trying to appeal to your intellects, and really, does that EVER work in this country? Facts are so tedious aren’t they?

So instead, sit back, shove one hand in your pants to keep it warm, and use the other to shovel Chee-tos (mmm…Chee-tos…) into your mouth while you watch some comediennes break it down for you in far simpler terms than my silly logic.

Ahem. This is what's often referred to as a FUCKING JOKE.

In case you've been otherwise engaged: this is the new cover, released today (or yesterday, depending on when you're reading) of The New Yorker, one of America's--if not the world's--most liberal magazines. Like ever.

Now honestly. Take a good long look at this and tell me--knowing now, as you do, that this is a LIBERAL MAGAZINE routinely filled with articles written by rabid, foaming-at-the-mouth liberals and read by scores and scores of white-apologist baby-killing fag-enabling faggots like me and you--if you think, in all honesty and sincerity, that this is anything other than A FUCKING JOKE.

I mean come on! It's lampooning the stupidity of not only the Right, but the absolute--pardon my sophomoricity, but you should be used to it by now--RETARDS that continue to believe that Barack Obama is a Muslim and Michelle Obama is, you know, a militant Jackie Brown-cum-Che Guevara or something. 

And by the way, lest you react to that with the surprise that my roommate did--YES. These people that are convinced Obama is a jihad-declaring, bin Laden-fellating, female-circumcising towel head DO still exist. 

Shocking, I know. I don't get it either.

Anyway--people are ENRAGED about said cover, screaming about how racist and insensitive and irresponsible it is, about how it's only serving to shore up the perception that Obama is--well, a jihad-declaring bin Laden-fellating female-circumcising towel head--and that this is the ULTIMATE betrayal by what is supposed to be a bastion of Liberal sensibility.

ARE.

YOU.

FUCKING.

KIDDING ME?!?!

Now I agree that this cover, in some ways, will play into the hands of idiots. Sure. But let me ask you something:

How many braindead, redneck idiots read the fucking NEW YORKER? I'm wagering, mmm....NONE. NONE AT ALL. NOT A SINGLE ONE. ZERO. ABSOLUTELY NONE. NOT EVEN ONE. NONE. 

No seriously. NONE.

When did this country become so rabidly politically correct and intellectually bankrupt that a clever bit of irony turns into the greatest assail on Obama's campaign...well, ever? What the hell is going on here? Have really reached the point where, as Gawker put it so simply and yet so perfectly, "people refuse to understand obvious satire because they don't trust anyone else to understand obivious satire" such that we can't even USE obvious satire, irony, and sarcasm as part of a greater discourse?

Seriously? Say it ain't so. Please. I beg you. I'm looking at you, HuffingtonPost.com, who, under the snarky, irreverent auspices of Arianna Huffington, I would expect to know better.

To me, this is a lot like gays using the word "faggot" with irony. Now, I have to admit--while I am guilty of bandying "faggot" about like it's my job--it's not NECESSARILY the best idea. But--as cliche as it is--the whole diabolical plan of using slurs with irony is to take away their power--or rather, to shift it, right? I mean, think about it: again, it's a cliche, but black folks can call each other the "N" word, but the rest of us can't, right? And I can call myself a faggot, and my top echelon hags can call me a faggot (even though not all of them do)--hey, it makes me laugh--but if Average Joe on the street calls me a faggot, he'll get my faggoty fist in his mouth (well, no he won't, he'll get a dirty look and a lot of shit-talking, because I've never been in a fight before, but you get where I'm going). It's--in theory, anyway--cutting the opponent off at the legs--you can't hurt me now because I robbed you of your weapon. 

This is, to an extent, the same thing. Oh yeah, Right Wing asshats? Want to keep propagating rumors you know damn good and well aren't true? Want to keep using the politics of fear to try to sway the election toward McCain? Oh yeah?

Well, here you go: the gesture you all WANT to make, but can't, because you'd be accused of--to form only the tip of the iceberg--bigotry, and never live it down. Game. Set. Match.

But of course no one can see the forest for the trees, because--just like using "faggot" or the "N" word with irony--it communicates to some people--mainly, people who are incapable of grasping the concept of irony and, more importantly, ARE NEVER GOING TO CHANGE THEIR MINDS ANYWAY--that this is all okay. Which, granted, has SOME validity.

But let's be real for a minute: anyone who thinks that the cousin-marrying, inbred retards who refuse to believe that Obama is not a--say it with me--jihad-declaring bin Laden-fellating female-circumcising towel head--were eventually going to come around and now ALL THAT PROGRESS HAS BEEN DE-RAILED AND NOW WE'RE GOING TO LOSE THE ELECTION BECAUSE OF THE INSENSITIVITY AND IRRESPONSIBLE POSTURING OF WHAT IS SUPPOSED TO BE ONE OF AMERICA'S MOST TRUSTWORTHY LIBERAL PUBLICATIONS SO BATTEN DOWN THE HATCHES BECAUSE NOW WE'VE LOST A HUGE CHUNK OF THE ELECTORATE AND WE'RE TOTALLY GONNA LOSE NOW SO EVERYBODY TAKE COVER GAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

is mentally impaired and shouldn't be allowed to vote. And, incidentally, is proving The New Yorker's point about fear-mongering.

And, incidentally, is part of the reason the Left has a reputation for being a bunch of whingeing pussies.

And, incidentally, is probably doing MORE damage to the undecided swing voters' opinion of the Left than the cartoon ever could.

So, pat yourselves on the back, those of you in a lather of righteous indignation. Way to stand for the moral high ground.

Oh hell to the no...

As you all know, I’ve laid off the politics for several months. But today, someone went and did something so ridiculous and so disingenuous, that I am now duty-bound to officially break my political silence.

That someone is Barack Obama.

Imagine it. I’m sitting at my desk, being a good little editor, and I decide to take a quick break to rest my eyes. So, I log into my junk email account for a moment to see what’s going on with the Men’s Health Fitness Tips (that I never use), discounted Broadway theatre tickets, and who’s blowing who on the porn site I cancelled years ago (because who pays for porn anymore?). And, of course, amidst all these disparate blurbs, is the latest goings-on over at my beloved HuffingtonPost.com

Imagine my surprise when I see this greeting me in my inbox:

And so I clicked, hoping I was either on glue, or hash, or opium, or had gone temporarily batshi* crazy, or was dreaming, or hallucinating, or had slipped into a parallel dimension, or was having an out of body experience. But then the email opened, and I saw this:

Excuse me?

In case you’re not up on what President Dipfuc* has been up to the past eight years, so-called “faith-based initiatives” are Dipfuc*’s clever scheme to funnel social service money—federal social service money, as in your tax dollars—to religious organizations and charities. Which is, you know…more or less illegal. That whole pesky church/state separation thing. Not to mention discrimination. And the reulting lawsuits when, say, I get fired from my job at the YMCA for bringing my boyfriend to the office Christmas party. 

Yes, I’m hyperbolizing. And, to be fair, there are already regulations about that sort of discrimination in place in the current incarnation of the plan, and there would be in Obama’s extension as well. But the point remains the same: Giving federal money to religious groups—regardless of how that money will be used—is opening a can of worms and swinging the doors wide open for discrimination—both real and implied. Regulations or no.

But all of this is irrelevant. Because the REAL issue here?

Everyone open up your calendars and note the date. Because I think we have all officially witnessed Obama’s first certifiable, undeniable ploy to kiss Conservative ass and cravenly tongue the taint of swing voters—which, in case you’ve been sleeping for the past year, is the opposite of what Obama’s about.

Or so we’ve been told.

Now don’t get me wrong. I’m not so naïve as to think that Obama can continue to ride all the way to Pennsylvania Avenue on the feel-good wave he’s been surfing for the past year. But there’s buttering up the center, and then there’s sycophantism at the expense of your base—no, fuc* the base; at the expense of VICTORY. 

I don’t doubt that Obama is a “man of faith” like he claims to be, and that’s fine. But his party? Well, most of us are pretty damn comfortable keeping religion as faaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaar away from politics and government as possible, thanks very much. Why? Well there are many reasons, but the biggest one is because IT’S THE RIGHT THING TO DO.

So what in the ever-loving hell is he doing? Well it’s perfectly simple: he’s attempting to move to the center to court the swing voters. After all, it worked like magic for Bill Clinton, didn’t it? And, really, for George W. and his “Conservative revolution.” I mean, what is “compassionate Conservatism,” that buzz-phrase from the 2000 election, if not centrist conservatism?

The problem with this is: IT DOESN’T WORK FOR DEMOCRATS.

Have we learned nothing from:

• Al Gore in 2000? (Granted, he actually DID win. But in the end, not by enough of a margin to make a federal court case deciding a thrown election in favor of the bad guy seem too fuc*ing ludicrous to swallow.)
• John Kerry in 2004? Who played so hard to the center and tried so hard to seduce the swingers that he ended up standing for nothing? And got his ass handed to him in November? Because the all-important centrists were duped into a lather about gay marriage, terrorism, and Kerry not being shot at enough in Vietnam?

And the best example of all…

• Hillary Clinton? Whose constant pandering blew up—rather spectacularly—in her face, time and time again? Whose sycophantic eyelash-batting--not to mention crying--at the swing voters served only to make Obama seem all the more genuine?

 WHAT IN THE HELL IS HE DOING?

Arianna Huffington—who's even more rabidly pro-Obama than I am—put it best today in her column “Memo to Obama: Moving to the Middle is for Losers”:

“Fixating on -- and pandering to -- this fickle crowd is all about messaging tailored to avoid offending rather than to inspire and galvanize. And isn't galvanizing the electorate to demand fundamental change the raison d'etre of the Obama campaign in the first place? … Watering down that brand is the political equivalent of New Coke. Call it Obama Zero.” [Emphasis mine]

I couldn’t agree more. It was the fact that Obama stood for something that got him where he is today. Let's just hope that the centrists and undecideds are sufficiently stupid to just, oh you know, NOT NOTICE that he has made a 180.

I’ve been saying since the jump that I supported Obama for two reasons: first—because Hillary was too polarizing to win; but more importantly, secondly—because I had already seen what I considered to be Hillary’s true colors. I knew she was a fraud, all talk, before she ever announced she was running. One cursory look at her war record bore that out. Then her campaign got rolling and she proved it herself, time and time again.

But Obama? Well, he said he was a certain way, and I had no evidence to the contrary. He might, just maybe, turn out to be who he said he was. It was a gamble, but it was a gamble worth taking. Sure, he'd probably end up being just another charlatan like the rest of them. But worst case scenario? He turns out to be a charlatan, he wins, and we end up with a Democratic charlatan in the White House instead of a Bush-legacy Republican charlatan. Good enough.

And it still is--he's still a hell of a lot better than McCain. And sadly, in America, it seems to become more and more hubristic, naive, and pie-in-the-sky to hope for anything better than "good enough." 

But for a moment, it seemed like maybe this time would be different. Maybe we'd get better than "good enough." Maybe we'd get someone that we could really get behind, someone we could actually believe in. Maybe we'd have not just the lesser of two evils, but someone who wasn't all that particularly evil at all. I was really hoping that things would, for once, not be so cynical.

And coming from a cynic like me? That’s saying a lot.

More on Obama's decision here

Blah blah Pennsylvania Primary blah

Blah blah Hillary Clinton won Pennsylvania blah blah margin to little to mean much blah blah I'm over it blah.

Instead, let's discuss this:

Which is amazing.

These debates need to stop

I think there should be a moratorium on debates until the fall.

You may have noticed I haven't written a political rant in a while. Why? Well, I sense that none of you care for one thing. But that's really here nor there. Do any of you care about Madonna or Posh either? Probably not. And yet there's an update nearly everyday.

No, it's because I cannot handle this fuc*ing election anymore. Every time I read or watch anything to do with it, I become infuriated. I can't take it any longer. We're getting nowhere and there is no possible way this will be settled before the debate. Which is in August for God's sake. So, I choose to keep my blood pressure in check by not listening any longer until something gets accomplished and everyone stops acting like a bunch of spoiled 3-year-olds in the supposed best interest of our country. Spare me.

So I didn't watch the debate last night. What the hell else is there to talk about? What is there going to be in the twenty-first--TWENTY-FIRST--debate that hasn't already been screamed TWENTY TIMES? Why are we even bothering? So that Pennsylvania doesn't feel left out? I'm fuc*ing over it. I'm at the point where I don't even care anymore. I'm tired of listening to it, I'm tired of the bickering, I'm tired of personal ambitions coming before the best interest of the country. I'm sick and fuc*ing tired, and I can hardly wait for this election to be over with so I can withdraw my membership from the Democratic Party and start off-setting the money I've donated to it so far in my life by never donating another red cent.

So there.

So, call me a bad Democrat--I didn't watch the debate. And from the sounds of it, I didn't miss a damn thing. ABC's questions focused almost entirely on issues that were never important to begin with and are completely played-out and over with by now, or on pitting Clinton and Obama against each other. And not in a point/counterpoint sense. In a "Senator Clinton: Obama said you're a pee-pee face. How do you feel about that?" It was an absolute mockery. There were more questions about Obama's damn minister and Hillary's stupid Bosnia sniper fire gaffe than there were about the damn issues. Just one more reason to let a sleeping dog lie until August 25, 2008.

Here's a couple of recaps of the stupid, inane and beside-the-point questions and the "oh my God I can't believe how ridiculous this debate is" answers. It's easy to see why ABC has received more than 18,000 complaints about the debate since it ended last night.

Sources: Crooks and Liars, Pam's House Blend, ABC News via Towleroad

Fair is fair and so, an update

Hillary Clinton issued an apology late yesterday for Geraldine Ferraro's comments. She didn't stop there though. She was apologizing all over the place, for her husband's Jesse Jackson comments during the South Carolina primary, and even the government's response to Hurricane Katrina...huh?

The only apology missing here was one for her Iraq War voting record. You can read the full report, including video of her statements, here.

In reference to Ferraro:

"I certainly do repudiate it and I regret deeply that it was said. Obviously she doesn't speak for the campaign, she doesn't speak for any of my positions, and she has resigned from being a member of my very large finance committee."

Much appreciated, Hillary. This is precisely what needed to be said, instead of yesterday's weak-kneed statement wherein she conflated Ferraro's comments with Obama's aide's "monster" comment, which pales in comparison.

This statement, however, I found incredibly intriguing:

"Once one of us has the nomination there will be a great effort to unify the Democratic party and we will do so, because, remember I have a lot of supporters who have voted for me in very large numbers and I would expect them to support Senator Obama if he were the nominee." (Emphasis mine)

Hmm...even though you've stated more than once that John McCain is more qualified than Obama? Interesting...

Oh well. Credit where credit is due.