The Gospel According to John

Weekend Life Advice

Presented Without Comment

Okay, maybe one: CLOSETED HOMOSEXUALS SHAKING THE DEVIL OFF WITH KIP DYNAMITE. That will be all.

Source

Parsing the Golden Globulars: Fashion Edition, Book Three: Pretty Pretty Princess

There are plenty of choices for Pretty Pretty Princess. I feel Jayma Mays deserves a mention. Also, Olivia Wilde. Toni Collette. Emily Blunt.

But all those bitches can suck it. Because without a doubt, the best dressed was

Monica Gellar.

Yes, yes, I can hear you all bellowing "the fuck?" and "bitch please", but that just serves to underline your ignorance. You should really take the time to get all the facts before you make a judgment like this. Nobody has short-listed this as "Best Dressed", and they do so at their peril. Why? Because this dress is the creation of a designer whose inspiration is divine, the handiwork of the Creator, the stitchery of the universe's seamstress.

Who created this dress?

Parsing the Golden Globulars: Fashion Edition, Book Two: Yes, But...

Sigh.

Sometimes I can't decide what's more infuriating: the people at these shindigs who look terrible, or the people who WOULDN'T look terrible if it weren't for one tiny, incredibly ill-advised sticking point. Let's begin with the reigning queen of the "Yes, But", Miss Drew Barrymore. 

Parsing the Golden Globulars: Fashion Edition, Book One: Really?

In keeping with the ceremony, there wasn’t really anyone who REALLY jumped out and looked amazing, and there wasn’t really anyone who REALLY jumped out and looked awful. There were no real incidents. Everything was just sort of fine or kind of not fine but really not all that bad and whatever my God I think the weird untelevised writers’ strike Globulars were more interesting than this year’s.

Be that as it may, just because the bar wasn’t raised particularly high or low does not mean everyone was beneath praise or above reproach.

In fact, my day-after-Globulars began, upon logging into my email, with IMs awaiting me from my dear darling Camaryn (sister to the ever-witty Miss Kate and the victim--or beneficiary?--of this), which went thusly:

Which seems like as good a place to start as any. Ahoy!

Parsing the Golden Globulars: Awards Edition

This was the boringest (not a word, is now) Golden Globulars ever. No one got drunk except for apparent human Weeble Kevin Bacon, nobody made any memorable gaffs, Gervais was just sort of there, nobody other than Mo’Nique (ooh--and RDJ) really gave us any oratorical fireworks, Avatar won best picture and will probably win the Oscar too because God is cruel and also it’s Friday and the Globulars were Sunday so who even cares anymore anyway.

But, we should give credit where credit is due. So let's briefly discuss who won, who lost, who should have won but didn't, and what it all means.

Obligatory Welcome Back Message with Odd Photograph Obtained by Google-Imaging the Phrase "I'm Back"

So blah blah it’s been a while blah blah whatev blah blah it’s a long story not particularly interesting enough to actually go into but I’m slowly going to start working my way back into the task and maybe changing things up a bit so stay tuned blah.

But seriously folks. It's been a while. I've been around the world and I-I-I just haven't had the time or will or both to post to this silly thing for EONS, so we've got LOTS to catch up on. I'm hoping in the coming days and weeks to get back into the swing of keeping you informed of all of the world's most (un)important news, maybe catching you up on where I've been all your life, and perhaps also introducing a few new fun tricks into the mix...we'll see.

(Also, God help us, I've finally relented and joined THIS idiocy. Sigh.)

But for now, something VERY important has occurred, something so monumental that it has forced me to break my silence: the official start to the awards season.

Let us pray.