Finally, Someone Understands Me

Do you ever feel like nobody understands you because everyone's just effing stupid and you're the only person walking the earth who ISN'T dumb as a box of hair and for whom "head up ass" is NOT an acceptable default setting?

And when others drone on about how they think you're crazy, and that if you're "the only one who's right you're probably wrong," do you find yourself wanting to murder them because, in fact, the OPPOSITE is true, since it has been proven in over a dozen scientific studies published in peer-reviewed journals that you are always right?

And does it usually seem like these people own iPhones? And adore them?

Well FINALLY, someone understands.

Here's the thing. The iPhone? Crap. It's a piece of garbage. It is not worth the kinetic energy expended walking to the Apple Store to acquire the thing. It is a piece of junk. It never works, it freezes regularly, and, most importantly, IT DOESN'T EVER ACTUALLY EVER MAKE ANY PHONE CALLS.

EVER.

I hate it and I want it to die, and someday, when I'm a famous, I will SLANDER IT to any and every media outlet that will give me audience.

I FUCKING HATE IT SO MUCH I CAN'T EVEN BREATHE. I WANT TO WRAP IT IN RAGS, DOUSE IT IN GASOLINE AND HURL IT THROUGH THE WINDOWS OF THE APPLE HEADQUARTERS LIKE AN iMOLOTOV COCKTAIL.

But what makes it so much worse is all these other deluded rubes to whom Steve Jobs could hand a corn-encrusted turd with the Apple logo emblazoned on it and they would say, "Ooh! iShit! Fucking rad! Let's see you top THIS, Gates!" Sure, Apple's laptops and mp3 players are better than any idiotic dreck Microsoft puts out (yes, they are and if you disagree I feel sad that you haven't yet learned how EASY using a computer can be) but Apple's attempt at making a functional cellular telephonic device is a giant FAIL. And deep down, everyone that owns one knows it.

I've felt alone and abandoned in this wilderness of iPhone hatred though, until now. Now, I feel a sort of relief akin to that when I came out of the closet and found that there are other same-sex deviants like me all over the world! I've found my people! And they're over at Slate!

Ahh. It's such a relief to finally feel understood.

Comments

[Emily]

Heh heh. You are not the first person I've met who starts to spit and snarl when it comes to iphones. I and my outdated (But you should SEE the battery life, baby) Nokia smarthphone have chuckled.