So you've got all the importantinteresting easiest categories on your ballot filled out. But now what? In a race as stultifyingly sewn-up as this one, how do you actually win the pot of money that annoying receptionist who dots her i's with hearts and loves Nickelback is keeping hostage in her desk?
With crap like Sound Editing, that's how. Getting the smaller, technical categories on lock is like a sneak attack, like guerilla warfare, like...I don't know what it's like. The point is: IT MAKES YOU WIN.
Slouching Black Kid, Stooping Matron: The Michael Oher Story
Aliens and Apartheid
WHY ARE YOU READING THIS INSTEAD OF SEEING THIS MOVIE
Disarming Bombs Is Hard
Turns Out Diane Kruger Isn't Nearly As Bland As I Thought
Precious: Based on the Book of the Same Name By Some Lady Named After a Precious Stone (See What She Did There?) and the Title of Which Its Producers and Director Really Should Have Rethought Because if It Wins (Which It Won't) It Won't Even Fit on Those Columns in the Kodak Theater that List All the Best Picture Winners
I'm Still Not Even Sure What this Was Even About Even
NOTE: I may update this post after seeing Avatar this afternoon. I doubt it, but maybe.
And the historic ex-husband/wife deathmatch nominees are:
Kathryn Bigelow for Watch My Movie, Then Read What My Budget Was. I Think We're Done Here.
James Cameron for I'm a Sanctimonious Hack Who's Really Good With Technology But Couldn't Come Up With an Identifiable Story With Sympathetic Characters Written Above an 8th-Grade Level if a Gun Were at My Head
Lee Daniels for Not Very Good With Details
Jason Reitman for I Try to Say I Love You, but My Self-Serious Bloviating Gets in the Way
Maaaaaaatt Daaaaaamon in This Movie Was Criminally Boring So Let's Look at This Photo of Matt Damon as That Tortured Gay Closeted Quarterback You Were In Love With in High School
Some Crazy Dude About to Eat Your Face in Literally NONE Persons Saw This Movie Even Though It's Reputed to be V Good
Summertime Santa Claus in Ibid
TOOOOOOCH! in Bishplz
Christoph Waltz in Sie möchten ein Teil dieser, Schweine-Hund? Bringen. Zuerst habe ich den Kopf werden in mit diesem Telefon zu zerchlagen, dann werde ich breche diese Flasche und schneiden Sie ein Narr, und dann gehe ich meine Oscar sammelnwhich is German for You Want Some of This, Bitch? Bring It. First I'll Smash Your Head In With This Telephone, Then I'll Break Off This Bottle and Cut a Fool, and Then I'll Go Collect My Oscar
(Still the world's most disturbing photo, as it is like Oscars + zombies + mummies + that weird Chinese terra cotta army thing + the end of E.T. when everything's shrouded in plastic and scary Peter Coyote breaks into the house in a HazMat suit. Nightmares!
It’s almost Gay Super Bowl Sunday! So get out your office Oscar pool ballots, because here at The Gospel According to John, it’s time for
entirely too much analysis (annual Should Win/Will Wins to come!) of an empty,
meaningless, rigged event that is sure to be the world’s boringest awards show
because every category is already decided!
Except for maybe **ominous music**
BEST PICTURE. For here, the Academy's decision to unearth a preferential tabulation system not used since 1943 puts a potential Bush v. Gore situation on our hands, except with the added intrigue of a possible outcome wherein Nader actually wins.
A few terrific things on these interwebs that you should be aware of.
+Okay, this one's not from the intertubes, but it's terrific. The latest print edition of TV Guide's logline for the Matthew Perry/Salma Hayek movie Fools Rush In: "A New York WASP marries a feisty, pregnant Latina." Oh DEAR. (Thanks, Deidre)
+This needs to become a thing, in the way that Dorks Dressing Up as Frankenfurter and Going to See Rocky Horror at Midnight is. I've never understood the big deal with Rocky Horror Picture Show is, but regular nostalgic audience participation viewings of Troop Beverly Hills? THAT is a different thing entirely, and it is a thing that we need, as a culture, and as a planet. That is all.
+Wait. Remember Hole? Were they always this terrible and we were too enamored of grunge to notice?
+YES. Maybe SNL will actually be funny for once. Do you suppose, though, that even with her hosting if it's still as ploddingly unfunny as it has been lately that it will be the straw the breaks the camel's back and, like, the Earth will shift off its axis or something?